Photo by flattop341
“Cause love’s such an old-fashioned word. And love dares you to care for the people on the edge of the night.”~Queen
Settle in. It’s another long one…
I’m bored with blogging.
I love writing. I love having this space to explore myself, to explore life. I love all the connections I have made, and the people I have met through this blog. I love, love, LOVE all the positive feedback that I get from my readers. I love that I can talk about the things that puzzle me, the things that trouble me, and the ups and downs of my life. But even more than that, I love the fact that so many people relate to what I’m saying, and have taken the time to reach out and form real connections with me.
I love the fact that people I just met read this blog. I love the fact that friends who have known me for 20 or 30 years read this blog. I love the fact that my family reads my blog, and supports me, even if they don’t always agree with the things I say. I love the fact that my very best friends in the whole world read my blog, and tell me how wonderful it is. I love having a blog, and being a part of the global community through the magic of the internet.
But there’s this pressure.
With so many people reading my blog (OK, maybe a hundred or so people is no big deal to most people, but to me, that number is HUGE), I feel a certain amount of performance anxiety every time I publish a new post. There’s a pressure to be entertaining. To be witty, or charming. To be thought-provoking. To be wise, intelligent, and thoughtful. To always write straight from the heart (Jesus, why have I been on such a Bryan Adams kick lately? I mean, he only has like 5 or 6 songs that I like, but I really like those songs!). I put all this pressure on myself to be great. Notice that it’s all internal pressure…I do it all to myself.
I hold myself up to an unreasonable standard, and I get upset and frustrated with myself when I fail to live up to that standard. Not a standard of perfection, because I know I’ll never be that, but I know I can get really effin close. So, I put all this pressure on myself to be as good as I possibly can be.
I don’t do this to anybody else. In fact, I go out of my way to make sure that I don’t pressure other people. I’m always the first person to tell other people to relax, to just do the best they can, and it will always be good enough for me. In particular, I never want to put my daughter through the crap that I put myself through – this unreasonable desire to be as close to perfect as possible.
And we’re not talking about just blogging here, either. I do this in ALL areas of my life. Every single thing I do, or try to do, is held up against this standard of…what? Not perfection, but just an unreasonably high standard. Maybe we’ll call it the “B” standard. I expect to always be just above average, in everything I do, from the first time I try it. The truly sad thing is that I just now (as in today) realized it. I can’t even begin to tell you how big this insight is for me.
You see, this is a truth that I’ve managed to keep hidden from myself for most of my life. In fact, outwardly, I gave up all pretense of even trying to be perfect way back in fourth grade. Before then, I always made straight A’s in school. In 4th grade, I made my first B. After that, I gave up on perfection completely. For the next 8 years, I did the minimum amount of work necessary to scrape by and get promoted to the next grade. In high school, my mantra became “D is for diploma.” I figured as long as I passed, grades didn’t matter much. I had some of the highest test scores on standardized tests in my class, but one of the poorest GPAs. I graduated near the bottom of my class, a fact that I am still, to this day, strangely proud of. I mean, it takes hard work to pull off looking like a complete slacker! 
So, while I’ve never been a perfectionist, I have struggled with the notion that I’m not quite good enough, no matter what I’m doing. I always feel like I could be better. Stronger, faster, more. I can’t be perfect, but I can be better than I am now. I’ve never fully accepted myself because I always feel like I’m not good enough the way I am.
This problem is the main reason I almost quit playing guitar. I wasn’t as good as I felt I should be, and so I just quit trying. You can probably ditto that with everything else in my life that I quit after only a few tries. Painting. Singing. Skateboarding (well, maybe not skateboarding. I *do* have a disability that would have made that impossible even had I tried more than once.) Sports. Sailing. Relationships. Hell, I could probably write an entire book about how this particular personality flaw has wreaked havoc in my relationships.
And the whole deal with my job…deeply rooted in this flaw of mine. I always try so hard to catch every single mistake, and when I miss one, my supervisor points it out to me. I beat myself up over every single grammar point that I miss. Perhaps editing was a poor career choice for me.
It has gotten so bad now that I’ve just given up. If I get fired, I get fired. I’ll survive. I always do. But then again, maybe that’s just what I need. I need to learn to let go, to stop trying so hard, to give up, to stop fighting and just go with the flow.
I amplify every mistake I make in life inside my brain until it overwhelms all of my senses. I beat myself up for my mistakes, both large and small. I can’t handle criticism, not even so called “constructive” criticism, because I magnify it inside my head beyond all reason. Whenever I get into an argument with someone, I blow it all out of proportion and think that it means that the relationship has to end. Whenever someone tells me that I made a mistake, all I hear is “I wasn’t good enough.” I always think: I’ll try harder to be better, and then they can forgive me, accept me, love me again.
I think that’s why I have such fantasies about escaping to the beach, to the “island lifestyle” that is prevalent in so many beach communities, even those that aren’t on islands. Perhaps the laid-back, casual, anything-goes way of life will infect me, and allow me to relax fully and truly for the first time in my life. Because, you see, I’ve never done that.
I have never fully relaxed…not since childhood. Not on vacation, not while drunk off my ass, not on the massage table, not even in the arms of a lover. I’ve never allowed myself to lose control, to let go. I’ve always been so afraid that if I lost control, I’d make a mistake, and ruin my life. That would be unacceptable, so I’ve never let down my guard all the way. I have to hold it together, because no one else will.
But, of course, no one can keep up that pretense forever. So, sometimes, I lose control. And then I beat myself up mercilessly afterward. Fortunately, it doesn’t come out as anger or rage, so I’ve never been a threat to anyone else, just myself. No, it comes out as depression, as tears, as self-loathing and self-hatred. I become abusive, but only towards myself. Inwardly, I am the abuser, raging out of control and beating myself up. Outwardly, I am more the victim, because all I can do is cry and cringe in fear and beg for it to stop. I am both the abuser and the abused. How sick is that? I call those thoughts of self-hatred, those feelings of inadequacy my “demons”.
When I lose control, the demons inside my head wake up, and start kicking my ass. And then I have to fight. I have to go deep within my psyche, and fight for my life. I have to confront all of those feeling of inadequacy, and keep them from taking over me. I have to fight against the depression, the sense of hopelessness, and the feeling of being helpless. I have to remind myself that I refuse to be a victim. But then I’m in danger of thinking that if I was just stronger, or better, then I wouldn’t have to fight so hard….and so the cycle continues.
Fortunately, I have a lot of good weapons to use in this fight. I have good friends, and a good family that support me. I have this blog, which allows me to express these deeply personal issues, and connect with others because of that expression. I have a good therapist for the rough spots, and a tool-belt full of self-therapy tricks to use in case of emergency. Last, but certainly not least, I have the Goddess, and my spirituality. Oh, and I have my music. Thankfully, even though I wanted to quit guitar, I never did. Well, I did for a while, but that was for other reasons. I can still play the blues when I feel bad, and that helps me feel better.
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No wonder there are no comments here, you’re a mess!
Only a therapist would feel comfortable tackling this. I’m kidding! Don’t go internalizing that & get all freaky now.
So you’re a closet perfectionist. It’s everywhere. Our system of education & society program it. Parents reinforce it. Companies depend on it.
It makes us sick. The Critic Within is a tyrant that has ascended with impunity! Dethrone the bastard for it is NOT you!
It’s simply a voice that has been given the reins. Time to take back your rightful place, your power. You rule your kingdom, not a subordinate who’s been allowed to usurp.
Hush the critical voice, tell it to take its place in the hierarchy. It has a role but its a role, not rule.
You rule.
Pamir | Reiki Help Blog’s last blog post..Generating Compassion with Reiki Distant Healing
Just happened to see your Twitter about this post right before I headed to bed. I think your tweet “I have to remember to give myself the same loving kindness that I give to others” is the big lesson from this post, and one we can all use reminding of. I think once we start exploring spirituality, we run into lots of teachings on showing compassion for others, and it’s easy to overlook the fundamental truth that we have to do the same for ourselves, or how we can ever truly know ourselves as the ’source’, as pure love?
As for the blog pressure, I know what you mean! I recently saw a TED video of Elizabeth Gilbert talking about this in regards to writing another book after Eat Pray Love. She talks a lot about ‘the muse’ and letting go, and it was really wonderful if you can find it. For what it’s worth, I don’t come here expecting wittiness everytime. I just come expecting honesty, and you always provide that. So personally I think sharing wherever you are at openly and truly really works, really connects.
Lisa (mommymystic)’s last blog post..Why Adam Lambert Didn’t Win Americal Idol (or, the problem with religion)
Jay…what a post! You know what? I feel a lot like you. When you wrote about not feeling good enough, I totally relate. I had a really hard week with this “ego battle” and I am exhausted. But I am relieved to read that I am not the only one who goes through this. I think this is a battle we fight for a long time…and it’s good to have an arsenal of weapons to fight with. Blogging, prayer, photography and getting out in nature helps me tame the beast…
Hang in there!
Caroline’s last blog post..WOW…I said that?
Aww, Jay. My heart goes out to you.
Maybe it is because I have been contemplating these topics and my own feelings, but it seems like Life keeps throwing not-so-subtle reminders at me that while I can be better, I can’t be perfect. The two gems that shine most brightly for me:
1. “It takes 10,000 hours to master a task.” So why do I expect to be good the first try?
2. “Learn to fail, or fail to learn.” Picked that up today in a video about Dr Tal Ben-Shahar at Abundance Blog. I wonder if you might not appreciate his message as much as I did?
Keep asking questions. It’s the best way to find answers.
Ann Elise’s last blog post..gratitude – day #1
@Pamir – Thank you for that wisdom. Usually, I don’t have any problems silencing the inner critic, but every now and then, it stages a little coup d’etat and retakes the throne. I never thought about it that way before, but I think that’s very helpful.
@Lisa – Yes, there’s always honesty here. I wonder if I’m not being *too* honest sometimes, like with this post, because I wonder if people really need/want to know about my internal struggles. But then again, there are others are struggling with these same things, and I like letting them know that they aren’t alone. I’m glad that it allows me to make genuine connections, but I wonder if I’m being a little *too* open sometimes.
@Caroline – I think everyone, or at least most people, feel like this from time to time. So, yes, feel relieved that you’re not alone…because you’re not!
@Ann Elise – “Learn to fail, or fail to learn” I like that! I’ll have to head over right now and check out that blog. Thanks!
Jay,
I’m sorry to see you in such pain.
I doubt there is anything I can say that will substantially help you. The loving-kindness meditation that you’ll learn about next week may help with this. It has helped me. I can also say that meditation in general has helped me confront these types of issues and see more clearly. I can hope it does the same for you.
Roger | A Content Life’s last blog post..12 Happiness Activities – Part 1
Hi, Jay… I’m with Lisa on this. Maybe what you are expecting to deliver is different from what we are expecting to receive. I know I come here to read some raw, often uncensored personal truths… to get a glimpse into your thoughts because, at the end of the day, we all have those thoughts at some point or another.
When you write about your questions, doubts, and uncertainties, it helps the rest of us know we are not alone when we feel that way. Just like your meditations, where you notice the distracting thoughts and keep meditating… when you are blogging you can notice the doubts, and keep writing.
Whatever you write, whenever you write it… we’ll be here reading and learning from it.
Lisis | Quest For Balance’s last blog post..Fellowship Fridays: There Is A Reason For Everything
Did you read my mind?
Take a look at my blog and you will see not nary a post for two months. I can’t bring myself to whip off a few words here and there. My blog posts must be complete, full and perfect. This is why I’ve become a fanatic Twitterer — takes the pressure off.
To MommyMystic Lisa’s point: metta is the path to self acceptance, which is not only healing, but it frees up the communication channels so that you may actually hear your muse, not to mention all the others in your life that you will begin to hear. (E. Berg’s Ted talk, re: Lisa’s recommendation, is a great place to start.)
Our demons are every bit a part of us as our Goddesses. Our demons are not what render us inadequate, they make us human. Our demons point us in the direction of the human condition, it is our job as creators — writers, musicians, artists, parents, mentors, teachers — to make sense of this for others.
This view has helped me — and I hope it helps you. While it’s still a journey, I am on the path. Along the way I’ve become more empathetic, less self absorbed, and certainly I’ve become a better, more courageous writer, with more courage to write from my heart.
Peace! YogaChickBess.
Bess (YogaChickBess)’s last blog post..The Soul of Leadership: Genius and Creativity
Jay – You are not alone, I should know. I feel for you my brother. I wish I could tell you what has worked for me, but I still fight the “the need” that you’ve so accurately identified.
Even this reply, on a BB I feel the need to apologize for…not long enough, not enough meaning, maybe even to me oriented. But I’m using what I’ve learned to hopefully help you in some small way. I just do what I feel is right, trust my spirit, go forward with heart, make sure I cause a smile and don’t worry the outcome. As the saying goes, “the devil’s in the details”. It’s hard, but letting go of details and the past, and living in the Now, help a tremendous amount.
Jay, you’re awesome. A wonderful, kind soul. You need not do more or give more, you are doing a fantastic job at what you do. Look out, look up, look away, then look within. You’ll see the universe smiling back in acknowledgement of a life being lived well.
If you ever need some free coaching, you know where I am. And by the way, people don’t expect as much as you think they do. People vist here because they like you. Great posts are a bonus. A photo and a quote, a book recommendation or a music link say as much about you as a long post and we’d still be getting to know you. I’ve come to know and like you through your comments at Nadia’s, without even visiting here often!
By the way, get your astrology chart cast. I really feel you’ve got Virgo very highly placed somewhere. From the moment I first cast my chart, I felt utter relief at the details it showed. I knew I could make my own destiny, but it helped to see what the universe had given me to work with. It helped me say, this is one possible blueprint of who I am. Where there’s no fight, there’s no loser. Instead of trying to change everything, I tried to find the other side of the coin to all of my challenges. For example, my perfectionism makes me a good editor; my aversion to the self critical inner voice and feeling of never being able to be all that I can be guarantees that I don’t do the same with others. It has the opposite effect and infuses strength and empathy into my coaching as I connect with my whole soul to support others to be the best they can be.
Harshness warning coming up. You said you were “bored” with blogging and then went on to describe the pressures and difficulties of blogging, not what bores you. So what’s really boring you? And remember, you get what you focus on. If you constantly focus on how depressed you are, you’ll get more of it. I’d really recommend, if you haven’t already, that you read the book ‘Happy for No Reason’(http://sharingthejourney.co.uk/gift-ideas/how-to-feel-happy-for-no-reason/)
janice’s last blog post..Writers Write: Your Comments are Part of Your Writing Mosaic
Your openness and honesty is refreshing. I go through these periods too, some times are worse than others. I used to worry about others seeing my mistakes and I’d spend days making mental excuses for them. But it was all make-believe. No one saw my mistakes and if they did, they really didn’t care. I care if I make mistakes or not and when I do (and it’s often) I tell myself that I can handle it and fix it – and that can mean to apologize, not to defend. Sometimes that works, sometimes I have to beat myself up a bit more…
I know you mentioned you feel a lot of pressure writing posts but I wonder if that’s just how “things” can be. I mean, I think there are many artists who feel a lot of pressure every time they create – as Lisa mentioned Elizabeth Gilbert’s TED talk. It’s a real eye-opener to hear how challenging this can be even for a best-selling author.
Laurie | Express Yourself to Success’s last blog post..Don’t Take It Personally
@Roger – Actually, I’m really not in as much pain as this post suggests. It’s just that I had this “aha” moment while trying to write a blog post about something completely different, and so then *that* post became *this* post. So while it seems like I’m in a lot of pain, really it’s just that the realization hit me suddenly, and I just had to write about it. But thank you for caring! I’m lucky to have friends like you!
@Lisis -Aww, thanks! This is why I write, to let people know that they aren’t alone. Thank you for being such a great friend, Lisis!
@Bess – LOL, no, I’m no good at reading minds. Just ask my ex!
On a more serious note, thank you for the insight re: the demons being just as much a part of us as the goddesses. I like the thought that it’s my job to make sense of them for others. In fact, I think you just gave me another “aha” moment, which I’ll have to blog about next time!
@Terrapin – Thank you so much for those kind words! I really needed to hear that. You’re awesome, too.
@Janice – Thank you for the advice. I’ve had my astrology chart read once before, but it was a long time ago, and I didn’t fully understand the implications of it. So I think you’re right…might need to have it done again. I’ve also thought about getting my Akashic records read, to see what they have to say.
@Laurie – Thank you for your insight, and kind words. I really appreciate them! I’ll be sure to look at that video.
Having a cache of family and friends to offer support can make a mountain of difference. It’s awesome that you know what’s important.
Writer Dad’s last blog post..Why LOST is the Best Television Show Ever
I’m really impressed with this post. It’s so open and honest and I related to so much in, particularly this line, “I have never fully relaxed…not since childhood. Not on vacation, not while drunk off my ass, not on the massage table, not even in the arms of a lover. I’ve never allowed myself to lose control, to let go.” I have a very, very hard time not being in control and letting go of a situation, which makes it difficult to be open with others. Don’t give up though. Focus on searching for happiness. It’s out there. (At least, that’s what I keep telling myself!!)
Positively Present’s last blog post..5 things happy people do
Hi Jay,
You are not alone in feeling under pressure. I think we all struggle with that on some level until we make peace with how we are. I used to be so scared at being myself with other people that interactions became work and not fun. I then realized I was surrounded with people who were really not ideal for me.
Life is full of great things and one of the greatest things is that you have the option at any given moment to choose what you want to do with it.
I think you are far closer to be free of this than you realize. To write such a great post and be so open is something that not many people have the gift to do. As I told you on line today, you are the dude, dude!
Nadia – Happy Lotus’s last blog post..Going Down A One-Way Street
Ah, low self esteem. It’s such a bitch, and it permeates one’s life. At the risk of sermonizing, I’d say you need to accept yourself as you are and forgive yourself for not being perfect. A tall order, I know, but maybe in one area at a time.
Dot’s last blog post..The Joys of Alcohol and Other Fallacies
@Writer Dad – I agree. A good support system is critical to keeping yourself together.
@Dani – I’m not sure if it’s “out there” or “in here”, but it’s definitely attainable! You’re living proof of that!
@Nadia – I hope you’re right…that I’m close to being free of this. The problem is that I didn’t even realize I had the problem until just yesterday. But then again, maybe just noticing it was the first step, and the rest will come easy.
@Dot – Easier said than done, but I’m working on it! little by little, day by day…
Thanks for this post Jay. What you said about the inner critical part definitely resonated with me.
In my own experience, I feel like I’ve made progress toward getting reconciled with that part (realizing that it’s actually me, in other words) by reversing the dynamic you described: instead of harshly criticizing myself on the inside, I become the critic on the outside. I play the parental part, the Superego, as opposed to the beaten-down, chastened little boy.
I say things out loud when I’m alone like “you screwed up, you should be sorry, shame on you,” and so on, and doing that helps me realize that the critical voice has actually been me all along. The scariness of the critic, I think, comes from the sense that it is a demon, or blaming parent, or something else outside of you, and when we realize that isn’t the case, I think, we feel a sense of peace and wholeness.
Hey Jay, I feel your pain bro. Thanks for a raw and honest post. A while ago I tried Nat Branden’s sentence stems. I made up a few of my own, such as “If I failed, ______”, or “If I didn’t do XYZ, that means _________” The results were quite surprising. You might want to try it. Just write down as many completions to the opening stem as you can, at least 6, without pausing, according to NB. I also did some Sedona Method on whatever I dug out of my mind
Albert | UrbanMonk.Net’s last blog post..Your Mind Plays Tricks
Jay, I loved this post. I can tell you I feel the same thing on my blog. All of a sudden there was pressure to produce that wasn’t there before. But you know, that’s a good pressure to me. It gives me a little edge. I don’t dwell on it.
Stephen – Rat Race Trap’s last blog post..Blow the Lid Off Yourself by Thinking Big
Oh you remind to pick up my guitar no matter how much my bar chords suck… and I assure you, they suck and I hate to fail.
I realised a few years back that it was necessary to fail constantly and spectacularly to push forward. Otherwise I would be stuck here being good at like 5 things for the rest of my life and what a waste that would be.
I am a recovering control freak and perfectionist
I love your blog xxx
cyberia’s last blog post..just keep swimming…
@Chris – That’s a really good idea, I think: to take the voice and actually vocalize it, in an effort to see that it really is yourself, and not some external entity. I’ll have to try that next time I get to feeling that way. Thanks!
@Albert – Thanks! I’m gonna look into the Nat Branden trick. It sounds like it might be a good way of refocusing your thinking, and I could use a little refocusing
@Stephen – Sometimes the pressure gives me an edge, too. I like working under tight deadlines, because the added pressure helps me focus and churn out a better product. However, I don’t like the pressure to perform, to produce, that comes from my internal sense of feeling like I’m not good enough.
@Cyberia – Whenever I start feeling like I did when I wrote this post, or whenever I start feeling down or depressed, playing guitar is the one thing that makes me feel better. So, don’t stop, ever. Even if you suck, you’ll still feel good just by playing, and it’ll help you get through all your tough times. And don’t feel bad: My bar chords suck, too, and I’ve been playing nearly as long as you’ve been alive!
Oh my word, this is so honest and real I don’t know exactly what to say….. I think losing control can be bad or good depending on what comes out. This I’ve learnt because I’ve experienced both. I’ve hurt people at times and also made their lives special at times and yes made a complete idiot out of myself as well but lived to tell the tale.
Thanks for sharing this so openly – it’s a great comfort to know we all have the same struggles.
Paisley’s last blog post..The Generation Gap
Wow, Jay, what a post. I can identify with a lot of what you said. I grew up a perfectionist. When I got a bad grade or something, I’d hide it any way I could. I thought it meant I was a “D” person.
I know what you mean when you say you’re proud of your poor grades. That is an accomplishment for someone who is very uptight about success.
I’ve made a lot of progress in this area, and the main thing has been letting go of the idea of controlling every outcome, and letting bad things happen sometimes. I’ll post a flop of an article now and then, and I think that’s healthy. It pays to be okay with things getting a bit out of control, because you can’t control it anyway. You’ll be fine, friend, just keep blogging.
David Cain’s last blog post..Do Something
@Paisley – Thanks for stopping by. I’m glad you enjoyed this post. Indeed, it *is* a great comfort (for all of us) to know that we aren’t alone.
@David – Thanks for the encouragement. I’m learning (slowly) to let go of my desire to control the outcome, but it’s easier said than done sometimes. As with all things, it takes practice.
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