Photo by Nattu
As most of you know, this blog is my way of learning about myself. While exploring myself, I’m exploring the world around me, and my relation to it. I share bits and pieces of my life in the hopes that writing about my experiences and sharing them will bring me some clarity, some peace of mind, and some closure to the things that puzzle, trouble, and haunt me. As I ask questions and learn about myself, my hope is that you (you who read my words) will gain some insight into yourself, and the world around you.
Writing this blog has really helped me along in my journey of self-discovery. In the past few months, I have met so many nice people, and have come to treasure the words of wisdom, support, and encouragement that you all leave on my posts. All of you are my teachers, and I am truly one of the luckiest students in the world. I’m always amazed that anyone would even choose to read what I have to say, much less take the time to comment on it and offer insight. I am blessed.
So I’m hoping that you all will help me understand some things about love and sex. Because obviously, I just don’t understand it at all. As Queen said in The Show Must Go On: “Another heartache, another failed romance…” The past year has left me with more questions than ever before.
Do you remember taking algebra for the first time? Do you remember that first moment when you “got it” all of a sudden? Algebra is some tricky shit. You just barely get arithmetic down, and you’re feeling pretty good about the whole school thing, and then BAM! Math turns into letters, and the whole world goes to hell in a hand basket. All of a sudden, it doesn’t matter that you can do multiplication tables in your sleep, and that long division is just a scratch-pad away from being solvable. All of a sudden, you have to solve for x, and who the hell cares? What the hell does x have to do with math?!?! But then one day, after much blood, sweat, and tears…one beautiful, magical day, you get it. All of a sudden, something clicks inside your mind, and you figure it out.
I came dangerously close to kissing my teacher on the day I finally figured algebra out, but that’s a different story 
Love has been kinda like algebra to me, but I haven’t had the “aha!” moment yet. I feel like I should have gotten it all figured out by now. I mean, I’m 35 years old. I’ve been married, and divorced. I’ve had two other fairly long-term committed relationships. I have a kid. Moreover, I’m a fairly intelligent guy, and I also have my fair share of common sense (which admittedly I don’t always use, but I know I have it). I have amazing intuition and insight, even if I don’t always listen to them like I should. I keep thinking love shouldn’t be so difficult!
And yet, it is. I’m plagued by questions about love. Why do I act the way I do? Why do other people act the way they do? Why do I continually do stupid crap, even when I know that I’m being stupid? Why do I keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again? Why do I see the solutions for other peoples’ problems so clearly, and yet remain blind to my own? Why don’t other people struggle with their love lives like I do? What is the meaning of love? Why do we fall in love with each other? Am I the only one who didn’t get an instruction manual for being human?
I think that’s why I identify with Superman so much, and why Stranger in A Strange Land is one of my favorite books. I’ve been an outsider, looking in and observing human behavior my whole life. I’m the alien. I’m the guy who fell out of the sky, landed here among you Earthlings, and I’m trying my best to fit in. I feel like I keep making mistakes in love because I don’t really know what I’m doing. Your customs are strange to me; your mannerisms don’t make any sense. How can you be so fragile, so tender, so delicate in some ways, and yet so hard, so callous, so rigid in others? You can be so warm, so tender, so loving, but then again you can be so cold and cruel to each other.
Why do you allow yourselves to love one another, but then shut yourselves off from that love when the other person fails to live up to your expectations? How can you allow that part of your heart to die? When you love someone, shouldn’t you always love them, even if things don’t work out and you have to go your separate ways? Shouldn’t you at least treasure them as human beings, and be thankful for the time you shared? Shouldn’t you recognize and celebrate the spark of Divinity that brought you two together? Namaste. Even if the relationship doesn’t work, there should always be the spirit of namaste between you. At least, that’s what I believe. Unfortunately, I’ve never been with anyone else who believed that.
Am I wrong because I still love all the women I’ve ever loved before? I mean, it’s not the same. That love is expressed differently now. I don’t still think of them as my “lover” or “girlfriend” or anything like that, but I still love them as people. I want them to be happy, and to live long, healthful lives. I want them to live long lives full of life, love, and happiness. I wish them well. Yes, I love them…as people…as friends…as fellow spirits inhabiting the Earth. Even if I have to do it from a distance, I still love them. Is that not right? From my conversations I’ve had with people, and from my own experiences, most people don’t do this. Many of my friends think that it’s weird that I love my exes, especially when I know that they don’t love me back. But, I just can’t turn off those emotions the way other people seem to be able to do. Most people never understand me when I start talking this way. The feeling is mutual. When they try to explain it to me, I don’t understand them, either. I believe that love is love. The basic emotion is the same, whether it be for your lover, your friends, or the parent/child relationship. Sure you express it differently with different people, but isn’t the underlying feeling the same? You want them to be happy, to be safe, to be protected, and to feel loved, safe, and secure.
I just don’t understand how people can say they love you, and make you believe they love you, and then throw you away when they are done with you. If they love you, don’t they feel your pain as you are tossed aside? And why do they have the nerve to call it “making love” if there’s no actual love involved?
Why should I want to be inside someone’s body before they allow me into their heart? I’ve never had a one-night stand. Most of the people I have talked to think this is weird, but I just don’t understand the attraction. Making love should be…making love. It should be special, sacred. If there’s no connection of mind to mind and soul to soul, then why would you want the genital to genital connection? I mean, I get it. I know it feels good. But it seems to me that it would make you feel hollow and empty afterward. Don’t you end up causing yourself more pain in the long run? My parents taught me to respect myself and my body, but more importantly, to respect the person that I am with. Perhaps they were just too old-fashioned, and now I am the same way?
It might seem like I’m getting on my moral high-horse, but that’s not what I mean at all. I’m not looking down on anyone. I’m just asking for guidance, for an explanation. I just don’t understand. I don’t know why I am made to feel like a freak just because I’m old-fashioned and respectful. I have honor and values, and because of that, I am made to feel like a fool. People have always made fun of me because I don’t think like they do, especially when it comes to love and sex. I get ridiculed and called names because I don’t want to desecrate the most sacred act in the universe. People accuse me of being too feminine, too soft, too girly. People question my sexual orientation. I am told that real men don’t worry about that nonsense.
Why not?
That’s really what I want to know. Why am *I* the freak? Am I really the only person in the world who feels this way? Am I really an alien? This all seems so easy to you all. Why do I struggle with it so?
Tweet This! 
Delicious 
Digg This Post 
Reddit 
Stumble This Post
Jay
So many questions, my friend. There is so much richness in this article I feel full as though I’ve been treated to a feast.
I’d like to respond and share my experiences, my outlook on this stuff but it would turn out longer than the post.
What I can say is that you are not alone, you are not the only man who sees the world (and love) in this way and you are not the only one to struggle with it all.
From what I read here and elsewhere, you are not a freak, but a man with a stubbornly open heart surrounded by people put there to test you! Don’t believe them when they tell you they have it all worked out – that’s a crock of BS. Love is not something I ‘work out’ but something I grow to understand more and more, knowing that the more I understand, the further away is complete understanding.
I’m sending you a virtual (manly) hug.
Ian | Quantum Learning’s last blog post..Falling in love does not make you telepathic
Hey- One of your points is so true to me— if im good enough to be your girlfriend, then afterwards i should be good enough to be your friend. Most people avoid the pain that that brings up, but if you ever truly cared for another human being, this pain should be easily overcome, otherwise, they were deluding themselves, they never actually were in love with you.
Wow…That post was straight from the heart!
I wish I had great answers for you, but I don’t. The best answer I have relates to Buddhism.
In Buddhism, we’re taught that attachment leads to suffering. One of the favorite things a person likes to attach to is his lover. If that happens, then love becomes conditional and you can dislike or even hate a previous lover because she doesn’t meet your expectations. Non-attached love means that you love the person unconditionally. It’s a desire and hope that she is always happy. I think you have non-attached love and most men have attached love. I hope this helps!
Roger | A Content Life’s last blog post..Beware of False Kindness
@Ian – Thank you! I actually wouldn’t mind a response longer than this post. I think I (and everyone else who reads this) could learn a lot from you. Perhaps you could write areply post on Quantum Learning! That would be awesome…
@Holly – I think you’re right. It takes some time to heal the wounds after a breakup, and during that time I believe it’s best to maintain some distance and avoid contact for a while. However, after you’ve moved on, and you know that they have moved on, too, then you should allow those feelings of passionate love to evolve into a caring “I wish them well” type of friendly love. Even if you never see them or have contact with them ever again, remember them well, and wish them well.
@Roger – That’s actually one of the reasons I got more interested in Buddhism, because I could see how that sense of attachment caused me so much pain in my last relationship. I fell into that trap of thinking that *she* was the *only* one, the only possible one, and when she left, I was devastated. I had studied Buddhism before, and so knew of the “attachment leads to suffering” teaching, but that was the first time I had really noticed it and felt it in my own life.
Great idea!
Ian | Quantum Learning’s last blog post..Falling in love does not make you telepathic
In order to truly love another we must love ourselves. It sounds cliche, but it’s true… and most people don’t. When you hear people throw around the words, “I love you,” but then treat eachother like crap, it is clear that the word does not mean what they think it means (aka: Princess Bride). THAT “I love you,” the one that exists in a vacuum and is followed by random acts of cruelty, is not love.
When you love yourself, you then love others because they are just like you… imperfect, alone, searching for answers. This love lasts, even after breakups and divorces because this love is unconditional. Hunter and I used to vacation with Jeff’s ex-wife and their daughter, because I loved her as the mother of my son’s only sibling. I love her still, I just don’t get to see her much. Kinda weird, I know… but love is love, without preconditions or qualifications.
YOU are not weird, but most people have not learned to love themselves. They are still acting from a place of insecurity and fear. When you find that woman, the one who can love herself and others, you will know it by her genuine kindness and compassion. Will you be ready?
Lisis | Quest For Balance’s last blog post..Fellowship Fridays: Notice The Little Things
I’m no expert on love, but I do have a few thoughts to share. First, I think that the attraction that leads to a relationship has a lot more to do with the subconscious than with the conscious mind. People are often most attracted to someone who has the same subconscious relationship with them that a parent had with them. For example, my father left when I was 6 or 7, and I had a pattern of dating distant or unavailable men when I was young. I didn’t know it, but after a lot of therapy, it became olear. I also repeated the relationship my mother had with her husbands — always arguing, trying to change them.
“I am told that real men don’t worry about that nonsense.” Our culture has rigidly defined gender roles that not only oppress women, but also oppress men. Otherwise, you would no more cringe when called gay than you would when called bald. You’d just say, “Not true.”
The whole macho thing is part of what makes relationships between the sexes so hard. Men are encouraged, mostly by other men but also by some women, to be insensitive, emotionally unavaiable, and sexually promiscuous. Anyone who goes outside the lines of this rigid formula is called names, as you say. It takes a strong person to hold onto their identity and reject the peer pressure, which can be very painful. With gay men, this rigid outlook is enforced by beatings and even death. Why?
Dot’s last blog post..
@Lisis – Yes, yes! That’s it exactly! Realizing that others are just like you…imperfect, alone,searching for answers. That’s really what I’m talking about. It’s the unconditional love that doesn’t fade away, doesn’t end just because the relationship changed.
It’s not weird at all (to me) that you love Jeff’s ex-wife. I think that’s the way it *should* be. I would want any woman in my life to love Kyrie’s mother, and to understand that I love her, even if I can’t live with her. To me, fully loving Kyrie and accepting Kyrie means loving the part of her that comes from her mother.
Thank you for reminding me of some things that I had forgotten…things that I’ll have to either email you about, or write another post about…
@Dot – Thank you for sharing your insight and wisdom! I think everything you’ve pointed out is true, but especially the parts about society opressing us and causing most of this misery…for men as well as women. Homosexual people are oppressed even more than straight people, as you pointed out. As to “why” that is…the only answer I’ve ever been able to come up with is that society loves conformity. Anyone who doesn’t conform is ostracized and humiliated. It’s not right, not at all.
Hi Jay,
First of all you are NOT a freak! I wish more people were like you. Love is one of those things that we humans have messed up. Love is the highest emotion and feeling in life. To me, life is all about love but unfortunately we are slaves to fear.
I have always been one of those people who fell in love within seconds. I have been in love with love since I was like 5. I remember the day when I discovered boys. Elvis Presley had just died and they were showing all this footage of him on television. I asked my mom who the man was and she told me about him. All I remember thinking was that he was beautiful. Thus began a life long journey with heartbreak due to the opposite sex.
I almost gave up on love but then decided that I would rather have my heart broken a million times than never love again. I know so many people who are so afraid to get hurt, they shut down and become like robots with sticks up their butt. Apologies for the description but that is what it looks like to me.
Anyway…be you and be proud that you are so loving. It is a gift to those that know you and for your daughter especially. Cheers for love!
Lots of love to you, my friend!
Nadia – Happy Lotus’s last blog post..To All The Wonder Women In The World
Thank you, Nadia! I am the same way..I’d rather get my heart broken a million times than never fall in love again. You’re description of those who shut themselves off is spot-on! Robots, indeed. I feel so sorry for those people…
I’m proud of you, Jay, for recognizing that fully loving your daughter means also loving her mom no matter what history you shared. Be patient… the rest will come when the time is right (and YOU don’t get to decide when that is!)
Lisis | Quest For Balance’s last blog post..Fellowship Fridays: Notice The Little Things
This is wonderful. You are so open and honest in this post and I think it’s absolutely terrific. It was so great to read. And, to be honest, I feel the same way about the people I’ve loved. If I love someone, I love that person forever (unless, of course, he were to do something horrific, but so far I’ve been lucky enough not to have that happen). The love for people changes, but it is always there. That’s what I believe love is. I don’t think it goes away if it was real. It will definitely change — and this will happen if you stay with the person — but it won’t go away. Those are just my thoughts on love, however, and I know that a lot of my exes don’t really like this because they think it means I’m still “in love” with the men who came before them. There is such a big difference between “in love” and “love,” though sometimes the lines are blurred.
I don’t think that you’re a freak because you believe making love should be about love. I think that what it comes down to is that there is a difference between “making love” and “having sex.” Some people are fine with both, with either, with getting whatever they can. It sounds like you want have something real and meaningful and there is nothing wrong with that. Unfortunately, because you’re a guy, you are expected to want whatever you can get. You’re supposed to be all about “having sex,” not “making love.” It’s really unfortunate that society is set up this way, but, trust me, there will be people who will appreciate this. Be happy with who you are!
Great topic — looks like everyone has a lot to say on subject!
Positively Present’s last blog post..funny the way it is
Thanks for this. I’m hearing that you’re feeling frustrated and confused, and that this comes from a sense that other people don’t accept or understand what you want. What I wonder is: what if that’s true? What if others don’t understand why you want the things you want in your relating with women? What’s the consequence for you?
Jay, oh that there were more ‘weirdos’ like you in the world! Just kidding, hopefully you know what I meant. You have a depth and sensitivity to you that I have no doubt will eventually lead you to someone whom you can share it with. I don’t know anyone who it is easy for. I mean, there are some couples or friends that do seem to have a karmic connection where certain things have already been worked out, but that is very rare. For most of us, loving well is a day to day practice. As others have said before me, there is attachment and there is love, and most of the issues you describe are related to attachment, projections, etc. Love, and loving, are a whole different matter.
In terms of gender, unfortunately in our society, it is all mucked up, as you allude to, and a depth such as you have is often not appreciated in men. I had to work through this myself as a woman, as I was drawn to some jerks in my younger days. It took me awhile to want the ‘good guy’, I am sorry to say. And even with him, and with many years of so-called spiritual practice behind me, it is a day to day journey making the relationship work.
Great post. Namaste-
Lisa (mommymystic)’s last blog post..The Spirituality of Motherhood – Lessons from the REAL Masters
@Dani – Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad you enjoyed the post. More importantly, I’m glad to know that I’m not the *only* one who feels that way about exes. You are sooo right: there’s a big difference between “in love” and “love”.
@Chris – You are almost too wise for words, my friend. If I weren’t still in drastic need of therapy, you’d be my first choice for a life coach. I’m going to have to think about what you said, and do some hard looking at myself as a result. Thank you so much for your continued wisdom and support.
@Lisa – Yes, I know what you mean. It’s all good
As always, thank you for your wisdom and understanding. Since I’ve met you, I’ve been impressed with your spirituality and connection with the Divine. I don’t know if you realize it or not, but I look up to you. Thank you for being you. Namaste.
Wow Jay, this is a deep one. You raise so many points, I can’t respond to them all.
“Why do you allow yourselves to love one another, but then shut yourselves off from that love when the other person fails to live up to your expectations? How can you allow that part of your heart to die? When you love someone, shouldn’t you always love them”
Here’s what I think about love, not that I’m an expert.
I think most people confuse love with infatuation. They think love is the pleasant emotions you feel with a special someone. So when those feelings fade, for whatever reason, they think the love is gone. Perhaps it was never there at all. The yearning and needing some people feel for another person is often thought of as love, but I would call it attachment.
I often see couples who appear to be together only because of what they get for themselves out of each other. They are attracted to each other, attached to each other, infatuated by each other, but they do not love each other. IMO, love is not a warm and cuddly emotion, but an unconditional appreciation of someone they way they are. Feelings are dependent on circumstance, and can shut off at any time, but love is unconditional.
If you feel like a freak, I think it’s because you know the difference, and that puts you in the minority.
David cain’s last blog post..Powerful Lessons My Mom Did Not Teach Me
No Rujho you are not alone, not the only one with those thoughts. While I have had two “one night stands” I have regreted those and felt guilty for having done so.
You still repeat your mistakes because you don’t take responsibility for how each relationship that you have been in has fallen apart PARTIALLY because of you/your behavior/actions.
You are the single common denominator of each and every one of your relationships.
Try reading ‘BaggeReclaim.Co.Uk’ – yesl technically it is for women, but it really adresses a lot of the relationship questions you brought up.
And as such, totally applies to men as well.
And if you enjoy a healthy active sex life when you are in a relationship – the fact that you haven’t had a one night stand wouldn’t be riduculed by anybody with any self-respect.
So maybe I’d wonder why you listen to guys who are jerks about your sexuality.
@David – “…love is not a warm and cuddly emotion, but an unconditional appreciation of someone they way they are.” I think you are onto something here, David. That’s a very wise way of looking at it, and I intend on incorporating that into my worldview ASAP. Thank you for your insight!
@Ernie – Thank you, my friend. You are a true friend, as you always have been.
@Loving Annie – Thank you for your insight. I would disagree, however, on a minor point. I wouldn’t say that I’ve been “partially” responsible, I would say that I’ve been MOSTLY responsible. Most of my relationships have fallen apart because of miscommunication. And since *I* studied communications in college, I feel like I should bear the lion’s share of the blame. In fact, most of my friends who have known me for 20-30 years tell me often that I have a tendency to take too much responsibility, that I can’t keep blaming myself when other people let me down.
And actually, I get more grief from females than I do males about my lack of experience in the one-night stand area. But I think you’re right…it stems from a lack of self respect on their part. Because they have had one-night stands, and feel guilty about it, they want to try and bring me down for sticking to my morals.
Jay:
You are not the only one that feels this way. I share many of the thoughts that you bring up. But, I cannot provide any answers. Am am a single 40 year old male who has been in a couple LTR, but has not married. I think part of the reason I have been so commitment-phobic is probably due to my parents getting divorced when I was 6. For one thing, I don’t take marriage lightly — but I also think, deep down, I am too careful about letting my heart get broken. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do.
But, I assure you, you are not the only guy who feels the way you do. I feel that there are women out there who appreciate guys like us, but maybe we aren’t doing a good job of “putting ourselves out there.” I think this is the case with me. Anyhow, good luck on your journey of discovery.
Tim’s last blog post..Stop and Smell the Roses (or Tulips)
I love the fact that you are so often with your questions. I love the fact that you are not ashamed about your sensitivity. You seem like such a special man. I love you. I know you will find someone/s special again! PhebeK on Twitter
Phebe’s last blog post..crazy ladies gather on a full moon / & poem 38
@Tim – Thanks for letting me know that there are others like me out there.
@Phebe – Thank you! You’re such an awesome person!
Jay, I was 32 before I had my “ah-ha” moment. I’d been in four LTRs, including a marriage, all with wonderful guys, all of whom I’m still friends with, and all of whom I’d definitely say I still love. (One was at my recent wedding (the “ah-ha” I’m getting to), helped me immensely in pulling it off, actually, one would have been there but his wife was uncomfortable with the idea, and the other two were kept away by distance. I still cringe when the whole “OMG, the ex was at the wedding!” actually makes the NEWS.) Additionally, three of the four guys later married after we split, and having gotten to know their wives on various levels, I can at least say I like them. (I adore one of them!) It thrills me to know they’ve found happiness.
I think a big reason that love so often turns into hate is either that it was never really love, or that the relationship lingered way too long, causing way too many hurt feelings to ever really be healed. The second was a big problem with all my LTRs but one, which all lingered until the love seemed to be gone and the relationships began to feel like a prison. (The other was a big dramatic breakup with hurt feelings all around.) Distance and time, as was previously mentioned, IS vital. You have to both get past the hurt, to understand what went wrong, and go back to recognizing the traits that made you love the person in the first place. I believe honest communication is the key to ultimately “making up” and keeping the friendship. A couple of times, this happened quickly, the scars from my marriage took longer, and the dramatic breakup actually took more than a decade. But I cherish the closeness I now have with these guys.
My “ah-ha” moment was meeting a guy who turned my life upside down. I always jokingly claimed that on paper, we just don’t work. He’s a HUGE extrovert, me, I’m perfectly content without social contact. I’m a computer geek, he’s a blue-collar worker. I came from a middle-class background, he was dirt poor. As much as it makes me cringe, I probably fall closer to “yuppie” than anything, he’s a self-described redneck. I’m at a loss when the power goes out, he could survive in the woods with nothing but a knife. Also, when we met, he was living a carefree partying lifestyle, going from job to job, while I had a steady job with a 401(k) and you’d almost never catch me at a nightclub. But we met, and it was instant. It sounds sappy, but I think we both knew the minute our eyes met. We were instantly inseparable, and have been together for almost five years, married for one. (Me, the one who swore I was NEVER marrying again, and him, the one who swore he was NEVER marrying PERIOD. I’m surprised none of our friends ended up in the ER with heart attacks.)
But I didn’t post here to brag about my relationship, but to tell you what I learned. My biggest lesson was that I was looking for the wrong guy. I was looking for someone like me. Someone reliable. Someone safe. Someone I was sure wouldn’t break my heart. And I found some wonderful guys, but we just weren’t right for each other. It was a struggle when I met my now-husband. I had to come WAY out of my sheltered little introverted world to fit in better with his life, and he had to settle down and become much more responsible to fit into mine. We both made huge changes to make it work. As much as I feel you shouldn’t go into relationships wanting to change someone, we knew from the start that it would be a requirement for both of us. And they’re both changes we found we wanted to make. I wanted to come out of my shell, wanted to learn more about the “real world” outside of cubicles. He wanted to “grow up” and become more responsible. Having to meet somewhere in the middle allowed us both to grow, to become very different people, “enhanced” versions of who we’d been.
Our friends always very positively comment on how much we’ve changed, how good we seem to be for each other.
I always tell my friends DON’T SETTLE. I have friends in their early 20s who are freaking out because they haven’t found Mr. Right yet, who settle into ok relationships with Mr. Good Enough. (Being female, these are female friends I’m talking to, but it goes both directions.) Being in the wrong relationship means you just might miss out on the right one. Maybe that one won’t come along until your 30s, or 40s or 50s, but I’d take just a few years with Mr. Right over a lifetime with Mr. Eh, Good Enough.
As for the broader question of why a person makes the same mistakes over and over, it’s not a matter of recognizing that you do it, it’s a matter of recognizing WHY. Sometimes the why, once understood, will be an easy fix. Sometimes it can take a lot of work. It’s not about punishing yourself for your mistakes, it’s about developing a deeper understanding of yourself and why you do the things you do. Recognizing your weaknesses and dedicating yourself to working on them. Studying Buddhism has helped me a lot with this, but so has keeping a very private journal and forcing myself to be brutally honest with myself when my inner two-year-old starts acting up.
Sorry this comment got so long, but I hope you’ll find something in my ramblings that will help you in your journey.
@Figment – Thank you for sharing your story, and your insight. I think you’re right: the real key to understanding yourself is knowing WHY you do the things that you do. This has been my stumbling block in a lot of different areas of my life, not just love. I almost always know WHAT I will do, or am likely to do, but I don’t often know WHY I do what I do. Really, that’s the answer I’m looking for with all of my writing, all of my seeking, all of my searching. Why do I do the things I do…THAT is the question! Or at least it’s the question that plagues MY mind the most!
Thank you again!
read “fire in the belly” by sam keen