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Acceptance

This is the post that I never thought I’d be able to write.

I never thought I’d be here, that I could say these words honestly and truthfully, and mean them.

This all fell into place about three months ago, but I have resisted writing about it until now. Why? Well, because I wasn’t sure that it really happened. I wasn’t sure that it was real, that it was true. Maybe it was just an illusion, or wishful thinking. Maybe I was only fooling myself.

So, I didn’t share it. Instead, I savored it. I tested it out, sat with it for a while. I wrote about other things, but not this. This was something special, something sacred. Something just for me, nobody else. This was mine, and mine alone. Not even my very closest friends and family knew that this was going on.

Oh, some of you have noticed the effects. I’ve been happier lately. I’ve felt more at ease, at peace with the universe and all that is around me. I’ve felt more harmonious, settled…happy. And it’s all because of one teeny, tiny little change that I made within my heart and soul.

It’s time to share it with you, my precious readers, friends, family, confidantes. It’s time to share the secret to my happiness.

But not just yet. Wait for it ;)

One of the biggest, and long-standing precepts of Jayism is reincarnation, and specifically, the belief that we are sent to the physical world to learn lessons that help us evolve into a kinder, more loving species. I believe that each life we live is like a grade in school: There are lessons to be learned, tests to be passed, and knowledge to be gained. When we learn a certain amount and grow a certain amount, we graduate (die) and take a little vacation to rest up (in Heaven or whatever) until we’re ready for the next set of lessons (life) and choose to be born again.

I also believe that we choose the major experiences we want to have, and the people who will help us along the way. We choose the lessons we want to learn, or feel like we need to learn.

The last time I wrote about my disability, I talked about how much it sucked and how much I hated it. I talked about how difficult it was, and how it made me feel. Very negative post, that one. Negative, but therapeutic. Thank you all for the flood of compassion and understanding that flowed my way in the comments of that post. You opened a door for me, as you shall soon see.

Writing that post helped me get it out into the open. It voiced my sorrow, and my pain. However, it also made me question my beliefs, and my assumptions. Why would I choose to be disabled? Why would I choose to hurt myself like that? What good could possibly come out of it?

To be fair, these are questions that I have been asking myself for the past 24 years. But writing that post, as well as a few key conversations with dear friends since then, really opened my eyes and my heart. I had another such conversation the other night, a synchronicity which indicated to me that it was time to write this post.

I love being disabled. OK, maybe I don’t love it, but I have come to accept it. It still sucks, and I still wish I didn’t have to deal with it, but I am finally coming around to seeing the positive things that it has brought into my life.

Being disabled has taught me patience, and perseverance. It has taught me to be determined. It has taught me to slow down, and to pay attention to what I am doing and where I am going — to be present. Not just in my own life, but also whenever I am with anyone else.

Being disabled also taught me to look deeper, to look at the internal beauty of people, and to love and appreciate that, regardless of the exterior “wrapping”. It taught me to really see people…in an Avatar-esque “I See You” kinda way. To look for the heart of people, to see their spirit, their soul.

Being disabled taught me compassion, and to understand that we are all carrying heavy burdens, that we are all suffering in our own ways. It taught me to recognize my pain in others, and to be kind. To listen without judgment or prejudice. Again, to be present with those that I am with. It taught me empathy. Not only do I see you, but I feel you, too. I feel the love and light inside of you, just as I feel it within myself.

As you can see, my disability has helped turn me into the man I am today. It has helped me become a loving, gentle, patient, compassionate, and beautiful soul. Yes, I probably could have learned all of that without being disabled. Many able-bodied people have all of those traits. There are other paths to wisdom, but this is the one I chose to take when I incarnated.

Being disabled has been a wonderful teacher. And while I don’t love it, I do love that I made that choice, that I chose to walk (or roll, I guess…heh) this path. I love that I have helped myself learn so many lessons, but I also love that I get a chance to teach others compassion, patience, and kindness…simply by being in their lives.

I love being me, and being disabled is a part of that. A part I have finally learned to accept and embrace. That, my friends, is what has brought me so much happiness and peace.

Love always,

Jay

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The Miracle

That time will come, one day you’ll see – when we can all be friends.” ~Queen

I tell people that I believe in magic all the time. But what is magic, exactly? Where does it come from? What do I mean when I talk about magic, and when I talk about opening your heart to it and letting it flow through your life?

Magic is the creative force of the universe. It’s love, and life. It’s art from the Muse, and dreams from the Sandman. It’s God’s gift to us; it’s the Universe’s gift to itself. It’s our gift to each other. It’s everywhere, and it’s free. In fact, it can’t be bought or sold, it has to be given freely, without cost or obligation. Otherwise, it’s not really magic, it’s tainted energy. Magic is the stuff from which miracles are forged. Magic is like the Force from Star Wars.

It’s no secret that I’m a huge Star Wars geek, and that spills over into my spirituality. I just love the concept of “The Force” and the teachings of Master Yoda and the other Jedi. So quoth Obi Wan: “The Force is…an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us, penetrates us, and binds the galaxy together.”

Entire books have been written about the Force and the spirituality of Star Wars so I won’t rehash it here. The point is, we’re surrounded by loving, healing, and peaceful energy all the time. It surrounds us and penetrates us…binds us all together. It binds us to each other, and it binds us to God, no matter how you envision Him/Her/It to be. We are one.

Magic is this overflowing, beautiful, and radiant energy that empowers us, comforts us, and heals us. You can call it Divine Love, or the Universe, or the Force, or Mana, or whatever. It doesn’t matter what you call it…it only matters that you feel it. It matters that you experience it, and that you share it with everyone you come in contact with. It’s beauty, compassion, and kindness. It’s peacefulness and harmony. It’s all “I’d like to buy the world a coke, and teach it how to sing” goodness. It’s love for everyone, everything, and even for life itself. It’s the thrill of being alive, of being present and aware. It’s being in love with yourself. In a word, it’s magic.

I opened this post with one of my favorite songs by Queen, The Miracle. It sings the praises of all the magic that is happening around us each and every day. The miracles of human innovation such as test-tube babies and the Mona Lisa, but also the miracles of nature. “If every leaf on every tree could tell a story that would be a miracle.” Yes, yes, yes! A thousand times yes! Flowers blooming in Spring, Snow falling in Winter. Falling rain, rushing wind. Children laughing and playing. Holding hands with a lover and watching the sunset together. A friend’s shoulder when you need a safe place to cry. Warm sunshine and cool breezes, ice cream and cake.

All of that is miraculous. All of it, a miracle. And miracles are just another expression of love…of magic.

The magic is there, just waiting for you to open up to it. Do you dare to believe? Can you afford not to?

Love always,

Jay

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At Last, Me Again.

Jay, Maroon Shirt

I’m alright. Don’t nobody worry ’bout me.” ~Kenny Loggins

This time last year, my life was a mess. So much of a mess, in fact, that I started this blog as a way to sort through it all, and to reconnect with myself. In late December of 2008, I asked the Universe for two things: peace, and healing. No New year’s resolutions, no parties, no kisses at midnight – Just me, sitting alone, talking to the Goddess, and wishing for peace and healing.

I do believe that I’m there.

Um, well, except it’s not really a destination. It’s more like a constant choice that I make every morning. Today, I’m not going to argue. Today, I’m not going to react out of fear. Today I will respond out of love and compassion for everyone that I come into contact with, no matter how much they try to hurt me, or no matter how much they inadvertently hurt me. Just for today, I will allow others to think, believe, and feel whatever they want…and I will love them anyway.

Have I always been successful? Oh hell no. I’ve lost my temper several times throughout the year. I’ve reacted badly to fearful situations. I’ve lost my way more times than I care to remember. However, overall, I think I’ve done pretty well this year. I am a lot more peaceful than I was, and a lot more “whole” as well. I did a lot of growing, and a lot of learning.

It took a lot of work, and I have a lot of people to thank. I read lots of books, and lots of blogs, too. I met some really awesome people this year, and they’ve helped me a lot. I suppose I could list them all here, but that would just be self-serving. Here, I just want to thank everyone for coming to my blog, for reading it, and for leaving such amazing comments. Not even my therapist (who I paid an insane amount of money to, btw) has helped me as much as you all have. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

I’m in a really good place these days. I’m happy, for the most part, and content. I’ve learned to stop looking at every situation as a fight or problem to be solved, and just allow things to be as they are. I’ve learned that there are times to swim, and times to just float along and let the river of life carry you. I’ve learned that fear is the most destructive force in the universe, and the source of all the evil that people do. That led me to the realization that if I can recognize the fear, I can usually stop the fight. I’ve learned to trust myself and my intuition, and to go with what I feel is right even when it is in opposition to what I think is right. And while I am far from being a Zen master, I have learned to quiet my mind and ground my thoughts.

To make a really long story short, I finally feel like myself again, and that’s a wonderful feeling. To quote James Brown: “I feel good.”

Bring on 2010! Happy New Year!

Love always,

Jay

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A Christmas Story

It should be fairly obvious, but this is a work of fiction. This is a short story I wrote for a good friend of mine, Rosa.

Toy Santa photo by Aurelien S.

Toy Santa photo by Aurelien S.

Once upon a time…

Long ago, the elves were the dominant race on Earth. While mankind was evolving from apes and migrating out of the African wilderness, the elves already had several great cities around the world. They were stewards of the land, and lived in close harmony with the animals and the natural world around them. They were highly magical, and they used their powerful magic to maintain the balance of nature. As life flourished under their wise tutelage, magic grew increasingly powerful. The planet teemed with life, and the elves lived lives of bliss and peace.

The elves watched as mankind emerged from the darkness, and became self-aware. At first, they welcomed these new brothers, believing them to be distant cousins to their own race, and they intermingled freely. For thousands of years, the races coexisted peacefully.

Eventually, one tribe of man discovered violence, and man spilled the blood of his fellow man. This sickened the elves, for although they had known the pleasures of hunting animals to maintain the balance of nature, they had never hunted each other, nor had they ever showed violence to each other. The spilling of blood tainted the sons of man, and it tainted the magic of life.

The magical taint spread throughout the elves like a plague, wiping out millions of them, until the last few remaining elves were forced to flee to their last home in the frozen North, far away from the reach of man. There, they watched, and wept as the sons of man spiraled further and further into violence, ugliness, and greed. The sons of man never learned how to harness magic, so they grew to depend on their poison taint to help them achieve all the things that the elves had gotten peacefully.

The sons of man forgot the elves completely, and they forgot the magic in the world, too. As they forgot the magic, the world began to die because life is the product of magic, and without magic, the world can not survive.

The last few remaining elves knew this, because they could feel their own connection to the magic fading away, and they themselves began to die off, with fewer babies being born each year. At long last, they could ignore the situation no longer, and so a great council was held to address the problem.

Many different plans were brought forth, and many ideas were discussed. Finally, the wizened old elf known only as “grandfather” slowly rose from his chair. All the elves fell silent as he hobbled into the center of the room and began to speak:

“It seems to me that the sons of man are not born with the taint of fear that causes them to destroy themselves. When they are still children, they believe in magic, and they believe in miracles. The youngest among them are full of life, and full of magic. Perhaps the way to save magic, and to save all life on the planet, is by finding a way to reach the children.

“We must send an envoy to the sons of man, to learn about their children. We must find out what they like, why they are so full of love and joy, and why they lose their connection to the magic as they grow older. By learning these things, perhaps we can find a way to save them. We cannot send more than one elf. The risk is too great, and there are too few of us already. Moreover, the one we send must be young, and full of our own love and light. For as our envoy travels through the human lands, the taint from the sons of man will age her, and will batter her spirit. This will be a tough journey, full of danger and hardships.”

King Duende stood from his throne and joined Grandfather in the center of the room. “Do you have someone in mind already, Grandfather? For when you spoke, you mentioned her. Which child do you mean to send out to the lands of man?”

Grandfather, with his custom twinkle in his eye, put his arm around the king. “Yes, dear friend. I have just the girl.”

And so it came to pass that Princesa Rosalina Duende, youngest daughter of King Duende, left her home in the Frozen Northlands. She wandered the human lands, learning about children. She watched them play and learn, she watched them grow and lose their connection with magic. After many years of observing, she noticed two things: 1.) The human children stayed young as long as they kept playing. Once they stopped playing, they quickly succumbed to the taint within their blood and grew angry and bitter. 2.) They all believed in magic until they were told that magic didn’t exist. Until they were told that they couldn’t do magic, they all believed in it, and could use it. But once they stopped believing in it, they could never harness it’s power ever again.

Armed with this knowledge, she began working on a plan to increase the amount of time that children spent playing, and to spread the belief of magic. She traveled to many more lands of the humans, always trying to spread the joy of magic and playfulness wherever she went.

In one village, she noticed a lot of smiling, happy children, many of whom were much older than the children from other villages, yet still retained their connection to playing and magic. It quickly became apparent to her that Nicholas, the wood carver of the village was an old man, and yet he was full of life and joy. Even as an adult, he could still use magic. He used his gifts to make toys for the children, which he gave them freely out of love.

By this time, Princesa Duende was an old woman, and so she also noticed that Nicholas lived alone. The friendship was easy, and love came fast upon them both. Nicholas believed her when she told him that she was the Elvish Princess, and that her race lived far to the North, beyond the reach of the sons of man. They lived happily together for a few years, with him making toys for the children in the village while she baked all kinds of treats and goodies for them to enjoy. But eventually, they began to succumb to the taint of mankind, for even the purest of souls must eventually pass away. But no so with the elves, and so Princesa Rosalina Duende prepared them both to travel to the Elvish Kingdom where they could live forever.

The children of the village were sad to see them go, but Princesa had a plan. She told them that Nicholas would come back once a year to bring them toys for as long as they believed he would. On one magical night, in the darkest Winter Night, Nicholas would come to them and leave them presents. To prepare for his coming, they should bring a tree indoors, to honor the old gods of the elves, and they should decorate it with festive lights and family trinkets to honor the fairies of the forest. They should hang their wet stockings above the firepace to dry overnight, and Nicholas would live small gifts for them there as well as under the tree. Lastly, they should thank him by leaving a snack for him to enjoy on his travels. When the children asked how Nicholas would manage such a feat, she simply smiled and said: “magic”. The children knew that the old couple were indeed magical, and so they never doubted.

And so the children followed all of their instructions, and were rewarded handsomely by Nicholas that first year.

Word spread from that village to the next, and to the next, and eventually the story of St. Nicholas spread around the world. During the year, Princesa (now known as Mother Claus to the elvish and human children alike) bakes treats for the human children, and fills the elvish kingdom with love and laughter, while Nicholas makes toys for the children. Many elves help out with this, using magic to fashion exact replicas of toys that are popular with human children from year to year. The magical reindeer help him deliver the gifts, and much joy is brought to the world. To this day, St. Nicholas continues to bring toys to the good boys and girls of the world by using elvish magic and the power of belief.

If there is one slight flaw in the magic, it is simply that St. Nicholas always leaves the same note for Mother Claus:

“Dear Princessa. I’m off to deliver the toys. Back in a bit. Love, Nick.”

“Hmph. After all these years together, he STILL can’t spell my name correctly! It’s PRINCESA…ONLY ONE S!” But then she smiles, and thinks that’s a small price to pay for keeping magic alive in the world.

The End

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Paying It Forward

Christmas Star by Foolfillment

Christmas Star by Foolfillment

Once upon a time, not so long ago…” ~Bon Jovi

He lost his job in October, and then she lost hers in November. Although they both looked for new ones, there was nothing to be found. When December came, rent couldn’t be paid. They were evicted two weeks before Christmas of that year.

They were ashamed of their failures, both as adults and as parents. They were stubborn in their shame, refusing to tell their family that they were homeless and destitute. They spent a few nights in the car, huddled together with the child between them to keep warm. In some small way, they were also trying to protect her from the reality of their situation.

“Why can’t we go home,” the child asked.

“We just can’t, baby. ok? Please stop asking about it.”

“But I want to go home.”

“I know baby, but we can’t right now. Here, let’s read. Which book do you want me to read to you?”

And so a week passed, or maybe two. They decided to find an abandoned house, and camp there. They drove around until they found one that looked relatively nice and new, and parked in the back so nobody would see their car. He went in first, to make sure nobody was already squatting there, and she followed behind, making sure that she could turn it into something suitable. They brought in some blankets, and some of their belongings. They waited until dark and built a fire in the fireplace to keep warm. She cooked over the fire, and they all enjoyed a good meal. Afterward, they settled down to sleep.

Late at night, lights flashed across the window, and they knew they had been discovered. An angry knock on the door, voices demanding to be let in. He opened the door, and met the owner of the house on the front porch. Anger quickly turned to compassion (thank goodness), but still, they couldn’t stay there. There was a hole in the chimney, and a fire could burn the house down.

But the owners didn’t turn them out into the cold empty handed. No, they gave them cash…a lot of it, and some food. They brought some extra blankets, and gas for the car. They even brought some of the wrapped up presents from underneath their own Christmas tree, so the child would have presents to open on Christmas morning. Extreme kindness from strangers saved them that night.

They split up shortly thereafter, and found homes separately. They found new jobs, and brought themselves up out of poverty into middle class. But they never forgot where they had come from, or the kindness that was showed to them.

And now, so many years later, he is generous to a fault. He gives away most of his money to friends, to family, to strangers on the street. He donates to several different charities on a monthly basis, and always offers to pay for everything when he goes out with friends. He buys presents for people he barely knows, and doesn’t even think twice about it. He buys food for all the homeless people he sees on the street. He always gives money to the street musicians, and he tips his servers exorbitant amounts.

People always ask him why he’s so generous. Why do you give all your money away? Why are you so nice? Why are you so good to me? Why would you spend money like that? What’s the catch? What do you want?

He doesn’t want anything in return. There is no catch. There are no strings attached.

Because he’s paying it forward, and hopes you will do the same. Especially in the holiday season, when his kindness goes into overdrive, he hopes yours will, too.

Love Always,

Jay

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