This is the post that I never thought I’d be able to write.
I never thought I’d be here, that I could say these words honestly and truthfully, and mean them.
This all fell into place about three months ago, but I have resisted writing about it until now. Why? Well, because I wasn’t sure that it really happened. I wasn’t sure that it was real, that it was true. Maybe it was just an illusion, or wishful thinking. Maybe I was only fooling myself.
So, I didn’t share it. Instead, I savored it. I tested it out, sat with it for a while. I wrote about other things, but not this. This was something special, something sacred. Something just for me, nobody else. This was mine, and mine alone. Not even my very closest friends and family knew that this was going on.
Oh, some of you have noticed the effects. I’ve been happier lately. I’ve felt more at ease, at peace with the universe and all that is around me. I’ve felt more harmonious, settled…happy. And it’s all because of one teeny, tiny little change that I made within my heart and soul.
It’s time to share it with you, my precious readers, friends, family, confidantes. It’s time to share the secret to my happiness.
But not just yet. Wait for it
One of the biggest, and long-standing precepts of Jayism is reincarnation, and specifically, the belief that we are sent to the physical world to learn lessons that help us evolve into a kinder, more loving species. I believe that each life we live is like a grade in school: There are lessons to be learned, tests to be passed, and knowledge to be gained. When we learn a certain amount and grow a certain amount, we graduate (die) and take a little vacation to rest up (in Heaven or whatever) until we’re ready for the next set of lessons (life) and choose to be born again.
I also believe that we choose the major experiences we want to have, and the people who will help us along the way. We choose the lessons we want to learn, or feel like we need to learn.
The last time I wrote about my disability, I talked about how much it sucked and how much I hated it. I talked about how difficult it was, and how it made me feel. Very negative post, that one. Negative, but therapeutic. Thank you all for the flood of compassion and understanding that flowed my way in the comments of that post. You opened a door for me, as you shall soon see.
Writing that post helped me get it out into the open. It voiced my sorrow, and my pain. However, it also made me question my beliefs, and my assumptions. Why would I choose to be disabled? Why would I choose to hurt myself like that? What good could possibly come out of it?
To be fair, these are questions that I have been asking myself for the past 24 years. But writing that post, as well as a few key conversations with dear friends since then, really opened my eyes and my heart. I had another such conversation the other night, a synchronicity which indicated to me that it was time to write this post.
I love being disabled. OK, maybe I don’t love it, but I have come to accept it. It still sucks, and I still wish I didn’t have to deal with it, but I am finally coming around to seeing the positive things that it has brought into my life.
Being disabled has taught me patience, and perseverance. It has taught me to be determined. It has taught me to slow down, and to pay attention to what I am doing and where I am going — to be present. Not just in my own life, but also whenever I am with anyone else.
Being disabled also taught me to look deeper, to look at the internal beauty of people, and to love and appreciate that, regardless of the exterior “wrapping”. It taught me to really see people…in an Avatar-esque “I See You” kinda way. To look for the heart of people, to see their spirit, their soul.
Being disabled taught me compassion, and to understand that we are all carrying heavy burdens, that we are all suffering in our own ways. It taught me to recognize my pain in others, and to be kind. To listen without judgment or prejudice. Again, to be present with those that I am with. It taught me empathy. Not only do I see you, but I feel you, too. I feel the love and light inside of you, just as I feel it within myself.
As you can see, my disability has helped turn me into the man I am today. It has helped me become a loving, gentle, patient, compassionate, and beautiful soul. Yes, I probably could have learned all of that without being disabled. Many able-bodied people have all of those traits. There are other paths to wisdom, but this is the one I chose to take when I incarnated.
Being disabled has been a wonderful teacher. And while I don’t love it, I do love that I made that choice, that I chose to walk (or roll, I guess…heh) this path. I love that I have helped myself learn so many lessons, but I also love that I get a chance to teach others compassion, patience, and kindness…simply by being in their lives.
I love being me, and being disabled is a part of that. A part I have finally learned to accept and embrace. That, my friends, is what has brought me so much happiness and peace.
Love always,
Jay
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