“Ain’t nothin’ gonna save you from a love that’s blind. When you slip to the dark side, you cross that line.” ~Eddie and the Cruisers*
This is the second part of my two-part series on energy. In the first part, I talked about how everything, from our thoughts and internal bodily functions to the outer workings of the universe, are all expressions of divine Love. In this post, I’m going to talk about the other end of the spectrum: fear, anger, pain, and other negative experiences, and how they, too, are ultimately expressions of divine Love.
On a basic, biological level, there are only two stimuli: pain and pleasure. Everything that we feel, either internally or externally, can be reduced to pain or pleasure.
Fear is nothing more than the anticipation of pain. When we think that a situation will cause us physical or emotional pain, our initial emotional response is fear. We don’t like pain, and we try to avoid it as much as possible.
Fear is an attempt to avoid pain, to avoid suffering. Unfortunately, fear can also cause us to lash out and hurt others. This is the root cause for all suffering in the world. One person, or one group of people, feels threatened by another person or another group, and lashes out at them from a place of fear and pain. Wars, genocide, murder, abuse, rape…all come from a place of fear.
It’s ironic that the very method that we (as humans) employ to avoid suffering is actually what causes it, but by attempting to avoid suffering, we cause it in ourselves and others.
The opposite of Love isn’t hate; it’s fear.
Fear is the root of all evil in the world. Just like Master Yoda taught us: “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” Fear is the root cause, all other negativity is just a reaction to fear.
Fear makes us feel weak and small. It makes us feel vulnerable, and “less than” the threat we perceive. Since these are all really unpleasant sensations, we try to get rid of them as quickly as possible. More often than not, we turn them into anger.
Anger is much more pleasant to us than fear, because it empowers us. Anger makes us bold and daring. Anger prepares us to fight, and so it pumps us full of adrenaline and hormones. Instead of shrinking back, as we did with fear, now we allow ourselves to grow stronger, bigger. We become aggressive and confrontational. Our ego tells us that *now* we can face whatever scared us. *Now* we are strong, brave…we are not threatened, we *are* the threat.
Even fear and anger can be seen as divine Love.
When our fears are valid, they help protect us from danger. They help keep us safe, and prevent us from placing ourselves in harmful situations. Fear is another way that God expresses His/Her/Its Love for us. Likewise, anger can be used to awaken our passions. Anger isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Even Jesus (if you believe in the bible) got angry, and threw the moneylenders out of the temple. When held under control, and expressed properly, anger can be a great tool for changing the world. The civil rights movement is a perfect example of this. Without the anger of repressed populations, none of us would enjoy many of the freedoms that we take for granted today.
The problem with anger, and with fear, is that it can cloud our thinking and impair our judgment. When we react without thinking, we can hurt others and spread negative energy into the world. If we use our pain as an excuse to hurt others, then we make the world a worse place for everyone…we become agents of darkness. I know that sounds harsh, especially if you have ever unintentionally hurt someone because of your fear and anger, but it’s true.
If we are to evolve as individuals, we must learn to control our fear, and failing that, learn to control our anger. If we can take away the power of our fear, then we don’t risk hurting other people because of it. You have to be mindful of your fears, and determine which ones are valid (if your life or well-being are actually in any danger, then your fear is valid), and which ones are illusions.
Likewise, you have to be mindful of your anger. Anger is always, always, always a reaction to fear. If you are angry, it is only because something has scared you. I know, you probably don’t want to believe that. I can hear the arguments now. But if you’ll just sit with that assertion and let it marinate in your mind, you’ll see the truthfulness of it. Once you dig down and find the fear at the root of it, you can defuse your anger. Or, you can use your anger in a constructive manner to make the world a better place.
On a personal note…
I would love to tell you that I never react out of fear and pain. I would love for you to believe that I am *so* enlightened, that I am *so* aware and *so* full of love that it never happens. I wish I could say that I never lose my temper, that I never speak angrily, and that I never hurt other people. I would love to say that, but it wouldn’t be true.
I never learned how to express my anger properly. When I was little, I used to rage uncontrollably. I would get so angry, so upset, so hurt, and I would act out destructively. I felt like nobody was listening to me, nobody was taking my pain and my suffering seriously, and so I did hateful things to try and make them take me seriously.
When that didn’t work, I learned to turn it all inwards, and that’s the root of my depression. For most of my life, I turned all of my anger against myself. Now that I’m trying to heal my depression, I find myself lashing out again. Instead of expressing my anger constructively, I’m allowing it to explode dangerously. I wish I didn’t do that. It’s something that I struggle with, and something I work very hard to overcome, but for now, it’s a part of me. It’s my dark side.
When I am hurting, or suffering in fear, I don’t handle it well. Not well at all. I lash out at people verbally. I intentionally say hurtful things or use my ninja-like sarcasm skills to strike straight to the heart. And while I’ve never hit anyone, or harmed anyone physically, I have knocked holes in walls and broken furniture. I’m not proud of these things, I’m just acknowledging them.
If you know someone who has anger issues, or issues with depression, or issues with rage, you can help them most just by loving them, listening to them, and taking them seriously. Now, obviously, don’t choose to be around them if your safety is in danger, but when they are calm, just listen to them. You don’t even have to “try” to heal them or make them better…just be there for them. Don’t dismiss them or their pain, or tell them to just “get over it” – that only makes it worse. Don’t tell them that they are responsible for their own pain, and that they should just focus on something positive, because they can’t. They are literally unable to turn it around by themselves. When someone is suffering, that is not the time for self-help lectures!
The following lyrics are from the Christian band 4Him, and are directed to God, but if you really want to help someone who is suffering, you should put yourself in the place of God:
“When I least deserve your Love
That’s when I need you most.
When I seem to push away,
That’s when I need you close.
When my flesh would hide my heart
From the only truth it knows,
That’s when I need you most.” ~4Him
To everyone that I have ever hurt, I am sorry. I’m sorry that I reacted poorly, and made bad choices which caused you pain. I’m sorry for lashing out at you. I’m sorry for all the times that I’ve made you feel less than loved, less than welcome, less than perfect. From the bottom of my heart, I apologize, and hope that I can help you heal those wounds.
Love always,
Jay
*The actual band that wrote and performed “On the Dark Side” was John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band. But where’s the fun in that? Eddie lives! 
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Dearest, sometimes you say exactly what I need to hear exactly when I need to hear it.
This is why you are so dear to me.
xxx
Thank you, Jay, for another very beautiful post. I feel your pain. Don’t we all have a darker side? I don’t always offer the wisest reactions especially when I am stressed. I also do not find the self help lectures useful during such moments. On the other hand, retreating to my own cave and sitting in silence – not judging but simply sitting – is what I need to regain my balance.
Peace and compassion,
Evelyn
not to many people can be honest enough with themselves to admit that at the root of all there anger is a fear. Fear that someone actually believes what they just said, fear that someone thinks little of them, etc…
fear is always at the heart of anger, its learning how to use the anger the fear brings that is difficult.
good post my brother!
Jay,
I want to share a story with you – one that happened just this evening. It seems like such a little thing – and yet I reacted with anger….anger that I tend to think I don’t do. (and obviously that’s not the case…)
I was getting gasoline for my car. Except that there was a leak in the hose – so a bunch spilled. The clerk was friendly and told me she would take care of it. I then filled up at a different pump, and went in to get it all settled up. Except that I wasn’t getting what I felt was “fair”. And I raised my voice, and held my place in line – while several people came in. And then I felt the “darkness” that I had brought descend upon others in the store, too…expressing negativity about their experience. All because I let the fear of (what?? a couple of dollars??) take over.
I really do try to not let anger overtake me…and yet…what a perfect article for me to read today…after something especially so trivial.
Jay, your words are touching and meaningful…especially today. And the honesty with which you share makes this even more deeply good.
Much peace,
Lance
@Cyberia – That comment made my day. Thank you for being you, because you are dear to me, too.
@Evelyn – Thank you for the kind words. I’m glad you liked the post. Thank you also for sharing your wisdom in that we all have our darker sides, and letting me feel like I’m NOT all alone in this. I think your method of retreating into your own cave for some peace and quiet is incredibly useful, so I’m going to try that next time I feel like I might lose control of my anger.
@Ernie – I think you’re right, the hard part is learning to use anger constructively instead of blowing up. If we can master that, we can master ourselves.
@Lance – Thank you for sharing your story, Lance. It really makes me feel better, because I *know* what a calm, peaceful, and loving person you are, and so it’s easy for me to forgive you for this mistake, and so I think maybe it will be easy for others to forgive me for all of my mistakes, too. You are such a shining example to everyone, such a paragon of love and virtue, and its comforting to hear about your own “humanness”. Thank you so much for everything you’ve given me.
Jay, while I am new to your blog, I wanted to jump in anyway and say you really explained this topic so well, and sentimentally. You honor the wounds we all carry, and yet you speak the truth in love. This is such healing balm for our world today! So thank-you from the bottom of my heart.
Let me tell you which part resonated most with me.
:”I felt like nobody was listening to me, nobody was taking my pain and my suffering seriously, and so I did hateful things to try and make them take me seriously.
When that didn’t work, I learned to turn it all inwards, and that’s the root of my depression. For most of my life, I turned all of my anger against myself.”
why?
I was provoked a lot growing up and I am a sensitive individual. I liked calm, peaceful conversation. I did not know what this was like, but instinctively I knew it was not what I was experiencing. I had to defend just to be heard. You had to take what you wanted, or there was none for you, yes, even if it was pie. I was shy, and then I finally learned I had to grab sometimes or I got nothing.
Yelling was okay, even though I wasn’t okay with it, I would yell back sometimes just to get my two cents in or tell the person to back off. It made me so angry. Angry was not acceptable, it was considered a sin. So, eventually I resented, and hated first a person, and then eventually myself, because it made me feel so horrible to be angry, and to think hateful thoughts. I just wanted to be left alone. I wasn’t respected of personal space much so I emotionally felt tense most of the time, and I recognized that what I valued most in my life … was simply to have a place to enjoy “complete peace, and solitude.”
I knew it wasn’t right but all of these things helped me realize that values are in us all along and so Peace became the first one that I focused on when I started out on my own. From there, building quality relationships in our world, I realized how important this was. We needed to learn how to do this together,.. somehow. These are the things I learned to fight for, the things that truly matter.
Meanwhile, I think because I had a lot of suppression from that what you said becomes self-directed anger, .. I think I am still losing that at a time when my journey shifts more inward from not just building quality relationships on a strong foundation but actually learning to love myself, respect myself fully and recognize that there really is enough love and resources and talent spaces for us all. I don’t have to grasp in fear of losing what I am born to deliver. Crazy how it is though? I still grasp, or I hide thinking somehow I won’t be chosen.
This was insightful for me to read this today, and truly recognize what has healed and to clarify the importance of my next journey opening up of self-love, and self-forgiveness and empowering women to embrace this pure, love as their center well of healing –Spirit.
many blessings to you Jay!
thank you for allowing me to share here today.
xx
Jenn
Jay –
This is a powerful post. I read Course on Miracles years ago – which is where I learned of the choices that we make between love and fear and how comfortable it is for people to choose guilt and fear… and yes, anger is an expression of fear but finding the strength and the love to find and confront that fear is an interesting challenge. Fear can motivate one to isolate and refuse to stretch or evolve just as it can motivate us to look inward and to live with greater awareness.
There is so much in your post… and love accepts our angers and our fears and is there… love doesn’t try to heel or fix as much as it simply loves and accepts. Often it seems we think we are showing love to someone by trying to fix it or offer suggestions or make it all better… and all that is wanted or really needed is for someone to hear us and I mean “hear” us and accept us and love us.
“If you know someone who has anger issues, or issues with depression, or issues with rage, you can help them most just by loving them, listening to them, and taking them seriously.”
Thanks for such an honest article. I can love and I can listen…I’m not so sure I’d take them seriously because the nasty words one may speak aren’t Truth. I would instead hold a higher vision of the person. The one I know he/she is.
I would suggest in a calm voice the person not speak to me that way. If the tone didn’t change I would also get out of harms way.
Now for me personally I used to be an angry person. In my 20′s when I found “A Course In Miracles” I changed. If I’m angry I wait until I’m calm to speak 95% of the time. I feel timings everything. I also journal. I know when I’m angry it’s about me not the other person…not even what he or she did.
I bow down to you for your honesty and disclosure. You’re A-OK Jay! Hey that rhymes.
Jay, wonderful set of posts here. I mentioned on the last one that I just realized it never came through on my Google reader for some reason (and still isn’t there.) I’m a little ‘slow’ keeping up with posts in the summer anyway, with the kids out of school, but so glad I caught this one today. It is well worth it.
I love everything you said about fear and anger, and its relationships to the divine, and how it causes us to become an agent of darkness in a sense. I think this is so true. I don’t know if you are a fan of Harry Potter or not, but I thought one of the most spot-on storylines was the way that he-who-shall-not-be-named got into the heads of Harry-Hermione-Ron and divided them, by magnifying the feelings of fear, jealousy or anger they were having towards each other. It really emphasized that it’s not really as simple as good vs. evil or light vs. dark – there are degrees, and we can each be pulled over, through our own fears and triggers.
I also think the part about depression was so spot on. I thank you for sharing your insights on that.
I will say that I don’t think of it so much as a process of learning to control our anger or fear, although I guess self-control does have to play a part. I guess the word ‘control’ still implies a kind of repression to me, which can backfire, as you know. I feel like the real art is learning to feel and face the anger/fear at the same time as we are dwelling in another level of our awareness. Easier said than done of course!!! I hesitate to use the word ‘detachment’ because it all too often is also used as a kind of repressive technique. Tantra, the Buddhist lineages I relate to the most, is all about facing and owning our shadows, our demons. And teaches that when we do, not only does the energy of fear, rage, etc. cease to be harmful, it actually gets transformed into a kind of positive power, i.e. someone with those tendencies has a passion that can be directed. And in order to direct that kind of energy, it has to be fully owned first, which is different than controlling it.
Not sure I am making any sense here. Probably should not be trying to explain tantra in a comment!!! Maybe you have inspired a post, although it will have to be after this week, as I have something else planned…in any case, great post, and great work on your part. XOXO -Lisa
P.S. a poem I recently came across again by Thich Nhat Hanh seems apropo here, here’s an excerpt, it’s called Call Me By My True Names:
I am the frog swimming happily in the clear pond,
and I am also the grass-snake who, approaching in silence,
feeds itself on the frog.
I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones,
my legs as thin as bamboo sticks,
and I am the arms merchant, selling deadly weapons to
Uganda.
I am the twelve-year-old girl, refugee on a small boat,
who throws herself into the ocean after being raped by a sea pirate,
and I am the pirate, my heart not yet capable of seeing and loving.
@Jenn – Thank you so much for sharing your story. It really touched me, and I love that. The best part about blogging is making connections…real connections, and you’ve provided me with a real connection here today. I really appreciate the time and effort you put into your comment and the wisdom you have shared with all of us. So, from the bottom of *my* heart, thank you!
Peace is a great value to start with. I’m constantly trying to become a more peaceful, thoughtful person, and so I think it’s wonderful that you have cultivated it so well in your life, despite the external circumstances. Again, thank you for sharing your story here. You’ve helped me more than I have helped you!
@The Exception – Thank you for your comment! I think you’re absolutely right about love. I like how you said it: “all that is wanted or really needed is for someone to hear us and I mean “hear” us and accept us and love us.” This is spot-on. To be loved, and accepted for who we are, flaws and all, is the ultimate healing. Thank you for showing us the way.
@Tess – Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom here! I think your method of “dealing” with difficult people is very healing and comforting. I especially like what you said about not taking the person seriously, because they aren’t speaking the truth, but holding them to a higher version of themselves. When I said “take them seriously, I meant “don’t dismiss their feelings as invalid.” But what you’re saying is even better, because it not only ignores the hurt they might cause, but helps them heal at the same time. Thank you so much for teaching me that!
@Lisa – lol, I’m sorry the original post never made it through! I wondered why you didn’t comment on the first one last week…but then I just figured you were busy. In any case, I’m very glad you commented today!
Thank you sooo much for the wisdom you’ve shared in your comment. There’s so much you’ve touched on, I don’t even know how to reply coherently. It’s one of those comments that I keep reading over and over again, letting it all sink in. The part that resonates most with me right now is where you talk about control and repression of emotions. I can’t thank you enough for sharing your views on that, because it really opened my eyes. I do hope you write more in-depth about the tantric approach to this issue, because I would love to read more!
Very touching and meaningful post. I think a very good medicine is just to have someone there to listen to you and hug you when needed.. One of the hardest thing in life is to learn how to let go and accept.. Thanks for sharing your insight with us.
Hi Jay .. we so often just react and often rudely and negatively .. for a while now (long while) .. I’ve put away those thoughts .. not always – but I do try and not get cross or angry .. it just brings more black thoughts to the fore and as everyone says doesn’t help anyone!
Smile and get a smile back .. kind thoughts and receive kind thoughts – so much easier .. thank you – enjoy the week .. Hilary
Anytime Jay! I like to refer to it as “going above the battlefield.”
@Justin – Truly, you are very wise. I am in complete agreement – The best medicine is a hug and a willing ear. Thanks so much for stopping by!
@Hilary – Thank you for bringing that up. I’ve noticed that every time I react angrily or get upset, it only causes MORE suffering for me later on in the form of sadness and guilt. Not only does reacting badly affect the other person, it affects us as well. Thanks for stopping in!
@Tess – “above the battlefield”…I think I would like to live there permanently. That’s a beautiful concept.
Jay,
This is a very interesting and thought provoking post. I heard a saying long ago that anger should come slowly and leave quickly. This saying made so much sense to me that I still think about it to this day, and perhaps the same could be said of fear.
One of the 5 principles or Reiki, a form of touch healing, is “just for today I will not anger.” This is the other saying that I try to keep in mind anytime I feel some anger welling up. Most of us can do anything for a single day if we put our minds to it. The “just for today” keeps us focused on the present, and helps us to focus on the now.
Thanks for sharing your story and you wisdom.
Hi Jay:
These are some really great thoughts you’ve brought up…usually thoughts that most of us want to forget about and “sweep under the carpet.” I commend you for expressing these thoughts. I also really enjoyed Lisa’s comment about an example of this fear in the Harry Potter books – very good stuff too. Your posts are really a reminder of how complex we humans really are…capable of love, fear and anger being expressed at any moment.
@Eric – Thanks for sharing the bit about reiki. I have some friends who are reiki practitioners, and it really seems to help them align with their highest, truest selves. I’m not surprised to learn that the reduction/elimination of anger plays an important role. Do they have a similar injunction against fear?
@Tim – Thanks for the compliments, Tim. I’m glad you enjoy my writing. Personally, I think that’s what keeps my blog interesting, is that I’m not afraid to talk about the things that nobody else will discuss. I’m glad it appeals to others, too.
I really like the stuff you’ve been putting up. I never really considered the idea that the opposite of love wasn’t hate but fear but it makes a lot of sense to me. I think fear is something that is a lot harder to overcome with hate, and is a huge obstacle that prevents us from loving more.
“When we react without thinking, we can hurt others and spread negative energy into the world.”
I think you hit right on the point here. Positive and negative energy is contagious so we have to be careful huh. Thanks for the great post!