Photo by Guy Tetreault
Thank you again to everyone who has offered me so much help and advice. Thanks to you, this has been a really fun and helpful 30 day trial! I’d especially like to thank Roger over at A Content Life for walking me through this. I’m halfway through with the trial now (more than halfway by the time you read this), and I’m loving it so far.
Day 15: Today was an incredibly busy day, and my mind was going 90 miles a minute almost all day long. I really didn’t think I was going to be able to meditate at all today, but I finally forced myself to sit down later in the afternoon. The results were kinda “meh”, but honestly, I was just proud of myself for sitting at all.
Day 16: Roger’s lesson for this week is “Loving Kindness” meditation, using a mantra. I did this today for good 10 minutes, and it felt really awesome. I started out with a minute or two of counting, then let go of the numbers for another minute or two, then started in with the mantra. After I had projected loving kindness on everyone I could think of, I knew the time was almost done, so I finished with counting again until the timer went off. All in all, I feel like this was the best session yet. I was able to focus on exactly what I wanted to focus on for as long as I wanted to do it. Having something to focus on really helped me focus! Funny how that happens, huh? 
Day 17: Today was *my* day to fall asleep while meditating. I drifted off not once, but twice! Each time, I found myself drifting off to dreamland, and had to forcibly snap myself back to reality. I managed to get a few good minutes of Loving Kindness in at the end, but not nearly as much as I wanted to get done.
Day 18: Now I know why people tell you to meditate first thing in the morning. I almost blew it today, because I got sidetracked, and didn’t get home until almost 9pm. It took everything I had to force myself to meditate that late. But, I did. Yay me The session itself was mostly unremarkable…I’m still really loving the loving kindness meditation!
Day 19: Again, I didn’t get home until late, so I almost blew it…but didn’t. I’m seriously thinking about meditating first thing tomorrow morning. I’ve come too far to blow it now just because the sun is finally shining and I can get out of the house! Still, I got a good 10 minutes in tonight. Not Loving Kindness meditation, because I was just too mentally exhausted. It felt good just to breathe in and out, and focus on that.
Day 20: Today was a pretty good session. Nothing too terribly exciting to report. I did Loving Kindness on myself, and was (kinda sorta not really) surprised at how uncomfortable that made me feel. As with the rest of my life, I find it much easier to love others instead of loving myself, and I feel uncomfortable asking things for myself…even if it is from the Universe. I’m gonna take this as a sign that I probably need to focus on loving myself more…as if I didn’t already know I needed to do that
Day 21: My thoughts were so scattered and chaotic today that I don’t think that this even counts as a meditation session. However, I tried to reign them in, and did the best I could, so I’m going to count it anyway. It’s just that…well, not a lot was accomplished. This was the first weekend with good weather that we’ve had in a long time, and so I was out enjoying it as much as possible. As a result, I had a lot on my mind when I finally sat down to meditate today, and it just kept going round and round in circles. After a few minutes of fighting against my thoughts, I just gave in and allowed myself to use the remaining time to just…think. I ended up just thinking for an additional 15 minutes after my “session” ended, and I felt a lot calmer after it was over with. In a way, I think this is a victory, because I know that if it ever happens again, I should just allow myself to think for a while, and THEN meditate. Perhaps (as my friend Lisis said), thoughts are like children. If I give them some attention at first, maybe then they’ll leave me alone for a few minutes
Overall, I think this was a good week. I stopped sitting on the floor, and started using a chair. Since then, my back pain has gone away. Meditation is quickly becoming a habit, and I really look forward to my sessions now. One thing that I noticed was that I have been paying close attention to my thoughts during the session…solely because I know that I’ll need to write about them here after I’m done. I’m glad I’m keeping this journal, but it’s causing me to hold on to the thoughts more than I would otherwise, because I want to record them for posterity. After this 30 day trial is over, I won’t be keeping a meditation journal anymore, and I think that will help me control the thinking that goes on.
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Thanks for sharing your meditation journey with us. It really seems like you’re making some progress. And I agree with what you’ve written about the journaling. If you know you’re going to need to write something down, you become a lot more conscious of it, which is awesome. As you said, even when you’re done with the journal, you’ll still be very mindful of your thoughts.
Positively Present’s last blog post..who’s afraid of the big, bad past?
Jay,
Great job! You seem to be very aware of everything going on during meditation.
As usual, I have a few comments.
“I did Loving Kindness on myself, and was (kinda sorta not really) surprised at how uncomfortable that made me feel.”
This is pretty common. People in the West think they don’t deserve to like or love themselves. But if you can love others, doesn’t it make sense to love yourself. Also, it’s very difficult to be kind to others if you aren’t kind to yourself.
“After a few minutes of fighting against my thoughts, I just gave in and allowed myself to use the remaining time to just…think.”
There are days when it’s really difficult to let thoughts go. You might try using more detailed labels. For instance, if you’re thinking about details of an argument you had with Joe, you can label the thought “thinking about argument with Joe” and move on. Sometimes the more specific label makes it easier to let go.
Roger | A Content Life’s last blog post..12 Happiness Activities – Part 2
@Dani – Thanks for the encouragement! I’m glad that you’re enjoying these posts.
@Roger – The thing with the labels is that it leads to more thinking for me. I have the thought, then I label it, and then I (unintentionally) go off on a tangent about the reasons behind my feelings and thoughts of ____. For example, let’s say I think about pizza. The thought forms: “Boy, pizza would be good for dinner tonight.” And I start thinking about all the ways it would be good, and then I catch myself. “Oops, I’m thinking about pizza. Label it. I’m thinking about pizza. Back to counting. But why am I thinking about pizza? Am I hungry? Am I upset and need comfort food? What is going on with me? Why pizza? Oops, thought train derailed. Back to counting.”
So I guess my question is how to I become more mindful, so that I stop the train before it even gets going? Does that just take more time and practice?
I figured you’d like (and find easy) the Loving Kindness meditation, based on what you’ve said about your past. I’m glad you knew that and knew to turn it on yourself as well!
Dot’s last blog post..Auntie Meme
Hi Jay – it’s interesting to read about your trial. Finding a way to sit that suits is a big part of it, I find (when I occasionally do it). – R
Robin’s last blog post..Sondra Ray – Rebirthing And Physical Immortality
@Dot – yep, you were right! I definitely enjoyed this most of all. It was very spiritual for me, and very fulfilling.
@Robin – Indeed. I was having an incredible amount of lower back pain, even flowing over into the times when I wasn’t meditating. It got so bad that I really thought I was gonna have to stop, but then I decided to just change positions. I felt better almost immediately.
Jay, I found myself looking forward to this update today:-) That’s great about the lovingkindness meditation. I’m all for doing it on yourself. I like to do that and then do the radiating out to others, and it really shifts things.
Lisa (mommymystic)’s last blog post..May Review
Hi Jay,
Here is my prediction: you are going to fall in love with meditation so much that you will come across your own Yoda!
I love that you write from your heart and that you are so open with all of us. You have a lot of love within you and it shows. I just wanted you to know that, my friend!
Nadia – Happy Lotus’s last blog post..Discovering Your Passions
@Lisa – I’m glad
I always look forward to your updates, too. And don’t think I won’t take you up on that offer to stay with you guys when I go on my great western adventure! 
@Nadia – That’s an excellent prediction! In fact, I already have a lot of Yodas…yourself included. As to the other…thank you. It really means a lot to me.
This reminds me of that online meditation session we had a while back… remember? Ommm… (refresh)… Loving Kindness… (refresh)… Patience… (refresh)…
Lisis | Quest For Balance’s last blog post..Adventure: Dare To Care!
Jay, congratulations on another week! I’ve bee going back and forth between seated and chair meditation; I haven’t figured out which one works better for me. Like you, a lot of my thoughts during meditation seem to revolve around blogging. I thought that it was because I use my office chair, right in front of the computer; maybe it is because I’m journalling, like you suggest? Makes sense.
Ann Elise’s last blog post..guilt-free banana bread (but your family will never suspect it’s good for them)
@Lisis – Yep! It’s almost exactly like that. Except that it goes on for a LOT longer. Oh, and there’s no “refresh” step involved
@Ann Elise – Thank you! I really enjoyed the seating meditation, but it was killing my back. I keep thinking that I might try it again, but with a different cushion or maybe even a pillow or something like that. But for now, the chair is working just fine. Another position that I read about was lying down, but I’m afraid that I’d drift off to sleep if I tried that.
[...] week, you studied and practiced loving-kindness meditation. Jay at Porsidan continued to follow this tutorial and posted his experiences with loving-kindness me…. I’ve excerpted quotes from Jay’s post and added my comments below. …I did Loving Kindness on [...]
You are doing great…even better you are creating a habit! It takes 6 weeks (as I have been told) to create a new habit or change behavior. So…keep it up! Meditation is hard, but you will reap the rewards!
Caroline’s last blog post..Capturing your essence…