“I’m only a man,
In a funny red sheet.
I’m only a man,
Looking for a dream.
I’m only a man,
In a funny red sheet.
And it’s not easy…
Its not easy to be…me.”
~Five for Fighting, Superman
Lori, over at Jane Be Nimble, calls me her hero. It’s sweet; it’s endearing. Even though I tell her all the time that I’m no hero, she does it anyway. Cause that’s what friends do. They help you see the best in yourself, and help you live up to it.
But I’m not a hero. Not by a long shot. The people who serve in our armed forces (Like Lori herself did) are heroes. Firefighters and police officers are heroes. Doctors, nurses, and other medical professionals are heroes. Teachers are heroes.
Me? I’m just a man. A good man, perhaps, but just a man. There’s nothing heroic about me. I don’t keep people safe, I don’t save lives, or change them in any significant way. That’s what heroes do: They make the world a better place for all of us. They don’t make little ripples, they make a huge splash.
Superheroes are heroes who make even bigger splashes. I grew up reading comic books, following the exploits of Superman, Batman, the X-Men, and others of their ilk. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a superhero. Superman was my favorite (still is), but others were good too. Perhaps being a comic-book superhero is impossible, but there are plenty of real-world superheroes.
Mother Teresa was a superhero. The Dalai Lama is a superhero. Ghandi was a superhero. These people set the whole world on fire, in a good way. Those are real-life superheroes.
The thing that has always stuck with me about superheroes is the lonely life they lead. Both in comic books and the real world, superheroes are often alone. Dedicated to their work, dedicated to humanity as a whole, they sacrifice their personal relationships and friendships. They love the whole world, which prevents them from getting too close to individuals.
Do you think the Dalai Lama ever gets lonely? Do you think, in the darkest night, he reaches his hand out, searching for a lover that has never been there? Do you wonder if he misses having grandkids to bounce on his knee, or just a friend to sit on the front porch and drink sweet tea with?
And I know…you’re not supposed to think like that. If one were to ask him, he would say something wise and enlightened like “All children are my grandchildren” or “I experience love by loving all people equally” or something like that. Of course he would say that. Still, I wonder… is it true, in his heart of hearts?
It must be lonely to be a superhero, even an enlightened one.
I think that’s why I identify with superheroes, both in comic books and in real-life. I feel their pain; I know what it means to be lonely, to be different, to be an outsider. I know what it means to be misunderstood, to be taken for granted. I know what it means to be excluded, to be on the outside looking in on life. Oh yes, I know these things intimately. It’s just about the only thing I have ever known in my life. As Meatloaf once sang, “Maybe I’m lonely. It’s all I’m qualified to be.”
And I think, maybe I’m just meant to be lonely. I’m not a superhero, but maybe, like them, I am meant to love humanity as a whole instead of individually. Maybe I should give up on romantic love, and just share spiritual love with all my brothers and sisters around the world. To spread the love of the divine through teaching or spreading loving kindness or doing good deeds for people in need. To show people that we are all children of the same Universe.
Maybe that’s what I’m supposed to do, but I lack the courage and the strength to be a superhero. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I’m tired of being isolated, of being excluded. I’m tired of being left behind and watching everyone else having fun from a distance.
I want to fit in, to belong. A home. I just want a home. Like Hercules (the Disney version) said, “I would give most anything to find where I belong.”
Love always,
Jay
This is a beautifully written post, Jay. I love your honesty and your ability to put yourself out there with your writing. That, in my opinion, is heroic.
You can physically BE anywhere you want to be. You belong in the hearts and minds of anyone who has ever met you.
You could join or create a community near you, or you can simply embrace the value of your virtual community. You have one thing Hercules lacked: the internet.
You can only feel alone if you CHOOSE to… whether you are sitting in a room with just your iphone, or surrounded by a crowd of people. All those people you are watching from a distance, who seem to be having fun, are probably just as lonely as you are. Loneliness is a state of mind. It is possible to feel quite lonely (and misunderstood, and under-appreciated) even in the midst of a “happy” relationship, you know.
Whether you want to be a hero, a sidekick, a victim, a villain, or the cartoonist creating the story is entirely up to you, my dear. Don’t sell yourself short, and don’t buy into the myths and fairy tales that suggest “happily ever after” comes from anywhere but within.
There. Lecture over. So… how are you liking the California weather?
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Jill Lenzmeier, Jay Schryer. Jay Schryer said: New, on Porsidan: The downside of being a hero: http://porsidan.com/hero/ [...]
Did you ever see the TV show – The Greatest American Hero? That is the first person I thought of as I started to read this post. An ordinary man living an ordinary life and touching the lives of others.
You listed a lot of people who are seen to be “heroes” by society at large or by the world in the case of super heroes… and yet how often is it the every day citizen that changes a life and rises above or goes above and beyond? It happens more often than we think. Perhaps what is a hero to some is not a hero to others… perhaps we don’t even know when we have touched another’s life in a way that makes us each a hero? Perhaps we are each a hero when we have the courage to be ourselves or to face our fears or when we choose to live consciously?
I have been called a hero because I, despite being legally blind, live a life that the majority of Americans believe that they could not. I inspire people because they see a person overcoming physical challenges… but I don’t define myself in such a way. I am following the path, letting my heart lead, and being as in integrity as I can while maneuvering through the challenges along the way.
I have been thinking about this a lot of late – so your post rang a bell and added more fuel to the fire. Societies define hero for us, but I wonder how much of heroism is about the person doing the labeling or the actions of the person themselves?
And – why do we choose to limit that definition to those who have such jobs when a hero can be the every day man living true to himself and modeling that life for others… touching lives in ways he might not understand….?
As I think I remember the theme song to go:
“Believe it or not, I’m walking on air, I never thought I could feel so free… Flying away on a wing and a prayer…Who could it be… Believe it or not, it’s just me”
We are all heroes. If we simply look inside rather than outside for love, wholeness, peace, worth, all the goodies, we will never be lonely. The heroes journey is getting there.
@PP – Thanks, Dani. I’m not sure if it makes me heroic or just completely off my rocker, but in absence of any other evidence, I’ll take the positive view!
@Lisis – Yeah, I know that loneliness is just a state of mind. I also know that there are plenty of activities and groups around here that I want to get involved with, and that doing so will alleviate some of the loneliness that I feel. And yes, the virtual community is nice, and the internet helps me keep in touch with friends both old and new scattered around the country.
But human beings are social creatures. You can only take so much rejection, so many “maybe next time”s before it starts to affect you. Being on the outside all the time hurts. And even though I know I could ignore the pain, and focus on the positive things, it doesn’t really help the hurting. Just because the pain is numbed or ignored doesn’t mean it goes away. It’s still there, and it still affects you. Emotional pain is no different from physical pain. If you slice your finger open accidentally, you can choose to ignore the pain, or you can choose to focus on the positive “well, at least I didn’t cut it off!”…but it still hurts.
@The Exception – Those are all very good points. I especially like being reminded of everyday heroes, people who just do the right thing at the right time. I owe my life to several such ordinary people, who found me after my car accident and called the police, paramedics, etc. So yes, those people should definitely count as heroes.
I also really like the idea of how we might reach people, even without realizing that we are reaching them, in the exact right moment. Truly, a kind word or a loving gesture at the right moment can save someone’s life, and the person offering the kindness deserves the hero label.
PS -The Greatest American Hero was a great show, wasn’t it? I used to love that show!
@Trish – I agree that the true source of peace and happiness and all good stuff lies within us. But I disagree that doing so prevents loneliness. I’m an expert at looking inside myself, and spending time with myself. I know that there is a great deal of love and peace inside me, both for myself and for the world around me. It’s all well and good to be enlightened and philosophical about it. But that doesn’t help when you want to go see a movie, and you realize that there’s nobody to go see it with you. It doesn’t help when you want to go to a concert, but nobody wants to take you there. It doesn’t help when your friends all go out for a fun day together, and they leave you home by yourself. It doesn’t help when there’s a party, and nobody invites you.
But, Jay… the reason your situation seems a bit lonelier than many is because you keep starting over (not because there is anything lacking in you). As someone who moves to a new state or country every year or two, I *get* that. The real simple fix for this would have been for you to stay in Alabama with all the peeps you grew up with… but then you wouldn’t have nurtured your adventurous seed.
Every time we uproot and set up a new gypsy camp, we’ve got to find ways to meet people all over again… and our roots don’t run as deep as theirs likely do (unless you move to Vegas, in which case, most people are transplants too). What you are feeling, although admittedly painful, is the price one pays for constant relocation. If that price has gotten too steep, you’ll need to dig in, put down roots, seek out the type of people you want to associate with, and settle down… or head back “home”.
This problem has more than one solution, and I don’t mean ignoring the pain. But focusing on the pain will keep you from finding those solutions. Notice it, acknowledge it, and use it to motivate you to change whatever situation needs to be changed in order to produce a different result. If you cut your finger, then get a band aid, some neosporin, and a tylenol.
In other words: you have isolated the problem (the source of your pain). Now focus on finding or creating the solution. Don’t feed the dark side.
I can sure relate to your line, “I would give most anything to find where I belong.” Another line I used to say a lot is from the movie Arthur: “Don’t you wish you were me? I know I do.” I answered both those questions through therapy. Might be a way for you, too.
Jay,
There is a hero in all of us. And so you are a hero as well. Might be an unsung one but a hero nevertheless.
Dear Jay,
It may not seem as if we understand and empathize with you the way you’d wish, but I can tell from everyone’s answers that we do. Me included. I dare say we’ve all been there. Sometimes more than once!
And here’s the thing I’ve learned, the hard way, I might add: Before anyone can enter your heart and life, you must make room for it, and you’re the only one who can accomplish this. Lisis’s practical advice is no less profound for being practical. When your attention shifts from abundance to lack ["yes, I'm a great guy who loves and is at peace with myself" vs. "how come no one ever invites me to a concert"] and remains on the “I have/love/am…” side more often than not—so often you begin to believe it, and really and truly cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-die believe it with passion…! THAT’s when all you desire begins to pour into your world.
It might be simpler to understand on a less personal level. We all are big balls of energy and if it’s not some form of positive goodness flowing outward, it’s exactly the opposite: some form of negative darkness flowing outward. Without consciously being aware of it, most people are drawn toward goodness but not the negative. Another way of seeing it: goodness=light vs negativity=dark. Light shines away the dark, so focusing as much as possible on the lightness within, the goodness in all its forms, creates a sort of vacuum allowing more light to flow toward you.
We’re all in your court (I can tell!), rooting for you and sending you giant hugs and huge happy smiles, and we do so with the utmost confidence that you’ll get where you want to be. . . . because you ARE that wonderful superhero, intent on rescuing himself.
Love you, Jay! xoxox
~ Julie
Jay, I really appreciate your soulfulness (as always) in this post. And i really like all the comments as well. I’m torn a bit, on how I want to respond. I don’t want to sound cliche and say ‘but you are a hero, whether you know it or not’, but I also DO want to say that. Just because I think that the real impact of someone’s life is hard for them to see. It’s the whole ‘ripple’ outward thing. So you are judging whether you are a hero or not based on your inner feelings, and some ‘idea’ of what a hero should think or be like. But to others, the way you live, and your response to the challenges you face, and the sharing you do here, are inspiring. So that is heroic.
It’s never simple I think. It’s like that movie Dusting Hoffman did called ‘Heroes’. He was an accidental one, but that doesn’t change the impact he had on others. And there are servicemen, firemen, policemen, etc. who do very heroic things in their public roles, but that doesn’t mean they are great people in their private lives. I’m NOT trying to denigrate anyone, just saying that the value of a life, or the positivity it generates, is not really something we can judge, especially from the outside.
Anyway, that was a bit of an aside, wasn’t it? I’m very good at those:-)
I don’t have any advice for you really. These dark phases of our life reshape us, like waves pounding a piece of driftwood into a new shape. I know you know that. I also know that you know that your true essence is already love, and you don’t **really** need romantic love in your life to manifest and feel that every moment. But knowing that doesn’t take away the loneliness. So I will just say godspeed, and send you light for this phase of your process….XOXO
Hi Jay,
I feel much like you in many ways — so sorry I can’t proffer any earth-shattering advice. Maybe the best thing thing for me to say is to remember that you are loved by many people (like me) and to keep being yourself. Keep the oars moving in the water and the shore will get closer and closer every day.
Tell the Goddess hello for me.
Love,
Lori
@Lisis -You know, that’s very true. For the past 7 years, I’ve always moved *just* when I was getting settled into a new place. And while I’ve always made new friends wherever I moved, I couldn’t take those people with me, and so I had to start over again from scratch in the new places. When I look at it from that perspective, it really makes me feel a lot better, so thank you for that insight.
@Dot – Therapy is always a good place to find help, but in this case, I’m already pretty sure I know exactly what the therapist would say…and many people here have said the same thing, only they didn’t charge me for it!
@Jamil – Thanks, Bro. I can surely see the hero in you, so if you can see the hero in me, then I feel a lot better already.
@Julie – Thank you for the kind words and advice. I think reading about it on an energetic level helps me tremendously. The thing is, these are already things that I know, on an intellectual level. It’s just hard for me to feel them on an emotional level. It’s like the head knows, but the heart is still unsure, if that makes any sense.
@Lisa – Thank you. You may not have offered any advice, but what you said was very comforting to me, so thank you. More than anything, sometimes I just want to be heard. I feel like you listened to me, and that means the world to me.
@Lori – See? When I wrote this, I knew you’d understand better than anyone else. That’s why I mentioned you throughout, because as I was writing, I knew that you had been here, in this emotional state, and you knew what it was like. Thank you for “getting” me.
Yep, we all been there! Mariah Carey – Hero. Keep looking at the challenge as an opportunity for you to grow! Nice post Jay-
Jay,
The raw truth and honesty in this is beautifully expressed. And like Julie said – I think we have all been there. I know that I have. I know that I experience moments like that yet today.
Is it sometimes a journey to find those who understand? And you know what else I wonder? How about those people that seem to be happy and involved all the time? What is it *really* like? Are moments as rosy as they appear? Or do we (me) sometimes put up a facade, to look *good*?
Jay, you are such a shining example of LOVE. I believe that deeply. What does that mean, though? Why? When? (and any other question you might ask yourself here – or others (including me) might ask ourselves silently.)
I believe we can only travel through this life the best we can – and the more we live from this place of HEART…the more we’ll connect with what matters most. Sometimes that can be hard to see (I know).
Keep shining your light always, awesome friend…
@Justin – Ahhh Thank you for reminding me of the Mariah Carey song. Yes, that’s exactly what I needed to hear. The hero is always within us, we just have to turn towards that inner hero for the strength that we need.
@Lance – Thank you for the great comment, Lance! You always leave the best ones. If anyone is a shining example of LOVE, it’s you. I can only hope to continue learning from your example, and to be half as inspiring to others as you are to me, and to everyone who knows you.