2nd Lt. William N. Stocking
On December 5th of 1942, The Happy Legend was shot down over New Guinea and exploded when it hit the side of a mountain. All seven crewmen were reported missing in action, presumably killed. One of them was Second Lieutenant William N. Stocking—my grandfather. He left behind a new bride and a 5-week old baby that (many years later)I would come to know as “dad”.
Over the next 65 years, several attempts were made to locate the crash site and recover human remains. The crash site itself was located in the 1940s, but it was impossible to reach because it was deep in the jungle. In the 1960’s, the army was able to explore the crash site, but the discovery of an unexploded bomb prevented close investigation. The crater caused by the impact was also filled with water and needed to be pumped dry, an engineering feat that wasn’t possible until the 1990s.
Eventually, the bomb was removed safely, and the crater was pumped dry. Pieces of the plane were found along with bone fragments and a few personal items (including some photographs of my grandmother). However, it wasn’t for another 10 years that DNA testing could be used to identify any of the remains.
Two years ago, family members from all seven crew members were contacted, and positive identifications were made for all seven. The identifiable remains from each crewman were buried individually, and the remains that could not be positively identified were placed together in a single casket.
Last week, my family and I attended the official funeral at Arlington.
My dad and step-mom at the funeral with grandpa's flag.
My family chose to have my grandfather buried beside the group casket, so it was a double-casket funeral: One for the group, and one for my grandfather’s individual remains. 67 years after his death, my grandfather was finally laid to rest.
My grandmother liked to talk to me about my grandfather. I knew that she loved him, and that his loss was one of the biggest unresolved hurts in her life. Even up until her death about 11 years ago, she still missed Bill.
As for me, I never really missed him, because I never really knew him. But I did miss the (almost certainly idealized) version that my grandmother presented to me. Since I never met my mother’s father either, I never really had a grandpa.
To me, grandpas have always represented conspirators. They slip you a piece of candy when nobody else (especially grandma) is looking. They teach you how to do dangerous things like whittle wood and drive tractors. They take you out of school to go fishing. In short, they take the heat when they get you both into trouble, and they teach you all the things that the other adults don’t want you to learn.
Even though I learned all that stuff anyway, I still always wanted a grandfather. It was never really a stinging loss, or even a noticeable emptiness. It’s not like there was this gaping hole in my heart where a grandpa would fit right in, it was just a faint sense of “wouldn’t it be nice to share this with someone” from time to time. Since I knew that Bill was a war hero, and especially since he flew in planes, I always wanted him. I always wanted him to sit down and tell me war stories, or to tell me about my grandmother when she was younger. I wanted to know him, and to be a part of his life.
When I found out that they had located his remains, and that there would finally be a funeral, it had an unexpected, deeply profound effect on me. I felt such an overwhelming sense of relief and happiness, both for his spirit and for my grandmother’s spirit. I felt like they were finally together after all that time apart, and could find peace in the afterlife. I never realized just how much I missed my grandpa until I attended his funeral.
All of my life, I have believed that it was impossible to miss someone you never knew. It wasn’t until last week that I realized that’s a lie. You can miss someone you never knew, because I have missed my grandpa all my life. I’m so glad that he has finally come home.
Jay finally meets his grandfather
Love always,
Jay
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Wow, Jay, this is great. Such an amazing post!
positively present´s last blog ..100 things i am thankful for
Missing someone you never knew. I think this is what happens when that person stands for values and action you cherish a lot. That’s how some people miss Gandhi
Eduard
Thank you for sharing this event, Jay. I also never knew either of my grandfathers and I definitely recall times when I have missed that grandfather connection. In a bittersweet way, I’m glad that you were able to have some connection with yours finally.
Jill´s last blog ..Who are you, and what have you done with Jill?
This is a beautiful and moving tribute to those we have all lost before meeting. Thanks Jay.
P.S. Your Grandpa was a hottie!
Trish Scott´s last blog ..Lesson From Cat
Wow, Jay, that’s incredible — I don’t know what the right phrase to use here is (congratulations seems really inappropriate), but I do think it’s wonderful that you had the chance to connect, in real time, with your grandfather.
Like you, I never knew my grandfathers, and until reading your post, I don’t think I would have considered that I could miss them. You’ve opened something up in me – a curiosity. After all, we carry their DNA, and many of their habits. The way they influenced our mothers, fathers and grandmothers was undoubtedly passed on to us in subtle nuances.
Have you ever dreamt of your grandfather, or “felt his presence” in your life some other way?
My friend (the one who wrote the book I sent you) never met his Uncle Louis, yet Louis comes around him quite often, sending messages to let my friend know he’s doing a good job in this life.
My very best to you, Jay; thank you for sharing this awesome story.
Megan “JoyGirl!” Bord´s last blog ..In Favor of Friendlier Foods
Hi Jay,
First, I must thank you for sharing this with us. This story is beautiful!
Second, I second Trish’s post script.
As a scientist, I’m proud that “we” have developed the technology and capability to connect people using DNA evidence. Even though I was trained in this and have participated in such endeavors, I’m constantly amazed at the good that can come from the technology. The people in the labs connecting the dots don’t often get to hear these stories, so I want to thank you for sharing this for that reason, too.
On a different note, I’m really happy for you that you and your family were able to get relief and happiness from the news of finally finding William and his crew. Again, this is a beautiful story and my veteran-self is profoundly moved, as well.
Sending my warm wishes to you always!
~xo
Lori´s last blog ..Front Porch: An F22 Jet and a Costa Rican Chica
@Trish (and Lori): I’m not surprised that you would find him attractive. You should see the pictures of my grandmother when she was that age! I come from a long line of beautiful people!
@Megan – No, I can’t say that I’ve ever felt his presence. Since I never knew him, the connection between us probably isn’t strong enough for that. I’ve felt other ancestors who have passed over, but not Bill.
@Lori – Yeah, I kinda thought you’d enjoy the DNA part of the story
It really is awesome what they (you scientist-types) can do these days. Those people in the labs are true heroes as far as I’m concerned, because they made this happen for us. Well, them, and the recovery crews over the years.
What an interesting, and touching story, Jay! Thanks for sharing it with us
Karen´s last blog ..I Don’t Want to Be The Alcoholic That I Am
This is beautiful, Jay. I’m so glad he is finally home and I just really wish you had been able to have your Grandpa during your childhood. You know, from your definition of what a grandpa is, and the way I am with Hunter… I think I may BE a grandpa!
Lisis | Quest For Balance´s last blog ..The Coolest Job I Never Had
Jay,
What a beautiful tribute. You felt connected to your grandfather through the various stories you’ve heard about him, and you missed the obvious love and good energy that you perceived through listening (plus, he was no “ordinary” figure he was a war hero who flew planes–what boy wouldn’t want to know him and “show him off”!) . Maybe death is the finality that someone precious passed through and you never personally got to know them. I’m sure your family found the ceremony very healing; and I’m glad that you were able to share this experience.
Jay,
Thank you for sharing this very personal story. It’s beautiful. It’s so, so good to hear you have closure on this, and that this has let you close an open wound. I think that it really shows love…love for human life, for family, for those that matter…even when we don’t physically know them. What a blessing to have this…
Lance´s last blog ..Exposed
@Lisis – Knowing how you are with Hunter, I think you may be right! Maybe that’s a good take-home lesson for the rest of us. Any good relationship can incorporate the things that I have attributed to grandpas/grandchildren.
@Joy – I suppose that’s it – I felt connected to him through the stories, In a way, I guess it’s like what happens when someone famous passes away. Even though we might not have ever known them personally, we feel connected to then through the stories we know about them. I’ve never looked at it quite like that before, and it’s helpful. Thank you for that.
@Lance – Yes, love for all human life, and especially for my family, is something that I try to show with every blog post, but this one in particular. Thanks for noticing!
Hi Jay,
I remember you mentioning once in a comment about how they found the remains of your grandfather. So it was nice to read how he finally came home and that you were able to pay your respects. There is something sacred that occurs before the actual burial.
Like you, I never knew either of my grandfathers but I have often wondered what they would have been like and if I could see myself in them.
Beautiful post, my friend.
Nadia – Happy Lotus´s last blog ..Being Creative
Jay, so well-written – I can really imagine what you’re saying here about being unexpectedly moved that way…
Very moving, Jay. Thank you. I’m touched by your story and happy for your family. Not only that, you brought back memories of my own grandpa. And made me realize that I have indeed missed people I’ve never known. I think maybe I’ve even missed people who never were.
Patty – Why Not Start Now?´s last blog ..Retracing My Steps
@Patty – I know that feeling, too (missing people who never were). Actually, I’ve known it on a couple of different levels. On one level, I have missed fictional characters that I encountered in either books or movies. I often ind myself wondering about them, and what their lives were like after their story had ended.
On another level, I have met people who have pretended to be something they’re not, or else I have been guilty of attributing traits or characteristics to them that they simply don’t have. In those cases, I find myself missing the person that I *thought* they were…even if the actual person is standing right in front of me. Hmmm…that might be another blog post in the making….
Hi Jay, What a good-looking man! I loved your story and I really appreciate you sharing it. I was not close to my grandfathers and I knew them both for many years. I miss them and I mostly miss what I missed and I know you know what I mean because you wrote about it here.
I know war is sometimes necessary, but stories like this make the loss it inflicts very real. It brings home the point to me that we should only engage in it when it is absolutely necessary and not because we think we need to police the world.
Anyway, thanks for sharing your story. I love these personal stories of yours. They are very well done.
Stephen – Rat Race Trap´s last blog ..Optimizing Your Working Memory – Part II
This was a beautiful tribute to your grandfather Jay. I share a similar experience to yours, as I have never met either of my grandfathers, so I never had a grandpa. They both passed on before I was born, but due to diseases not wars.
I always thought grandpas were fun too in so many ways, and it would have been awesome to have one. But today I am grateful for the experiences I have had with the family members I have.
Evita´s last blog ..Evolving Being In Action: Tess Marshall
Jay,
What a beautiful gift to share with us. The photos of you and your family are lovely. I love what Lori wrote about connecting the dots and scientists not knowing what an impact their knowledge has on others.
I’ve never had grandparents either but I sure do enjoy being a grandmother. I was crying when I began reading this. Your grandmother is a strong women and you have a way with words. Thanks for giving me another look into your personal world. It only draws us closer. Grateful, Tess
Tess Bold Life´s last blog ..7 Steps for Climbing the Staircase to Joy
Hi Jay
You deserve a poignancy award for this piece. The last picture made my throat hurt. Very touching.
Very touching and real. Your grandfather looks a bit like my father did in his uniform, in the same war. It’s amazing how much emotion we can have, unbeknownst to us, until some event brings it out. I’m glad you have closure on this now.
I’m also reminded of the tearing down of the Berlin Wall. I had no idea that there was a constant fear and anxiety about war in the back of my mind, until I saw the Wall come down.
Dot´s last blog ..Comment on Full Disclosure by Jannie Funster
Dearest Jay,
This was such a wonderful tribute your grandfather. Like you I never met my dads Dad, But i was blessed to have a Nana(mums dad). He passed away a few years back, but I can say I learned the world by spending my holidays with him.
Even in his last days when he didn’t remember anybody because of his Alzheimer, he recognized me…and we spoke with our eyes and our smiles. He would only ask for me in the last few months…and I loved sitting with him and feeding him tea biscuits and soup.
The best thing I remember about him was -he always had an answer to my weirdest of questions…i’m telling you weird is a small description of the kind of questions I asked him….But he always always had the answer..always!
Once when i was ll grown up….in my twenty’s….before his illness struck…I asked him – Nana how do you always have an answer for me?..he said “cause I know you, and I know what you want to hear.”
Ohh..me miss him
I’m glad your grandfather is finally at peace….
Zeenat{Positive Provocations}´s last blog ..RAOKA:Beauty-The Beautiful Smile Experiment
When something has not been settled, it’s hard to find peace. I’m glad that you have been reunited with your Granpa. He has come to where he belongs.
You really deserve an award for this post! Thank you!
Honeymoon´s last blog ..Honeymoon in Santo Domingo