Joy's Ducks

I know you want to hear all about my time with Joy. I can’t write about that though, cause I want to move the story forward. Trust me, forward is good.

In her post, the Ethereal One mentioned that I would move out there when I had all my ducks in a row. That’s what I told her when she was here. I told her that as soon as I could get all the loose ends tied up, and as soon as I could get everything taken care of, that I’d move to be with her. It makes sense. I’ve always known that I would leave Atlanta when the time was right. I have friends here, and I have family here, but Atlanta has never been “home” to me. For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to move to the beach (any beach), but I’ve always let something stand in my way.

So there was never any doubt in my mind that I would move to California, and start our life together *there*, instead of *here*. Everything that I love, everything that I have been looking for, is close to where she lives. Scuba diving? Check. Adaptive surfing? check. Liberal, artsy community? check. Plenty of people who believe in the same kinds of things I believe in, and won’t make me feel like a freak for believing them? check. Warm weather (Ye, gods, yes, warm weather) check. Sunsets over the water? check. Woman that I love? Huge check!

Still, I had to get those ducks in a row. Save up more money. Get out of my current lease. Quit the old job here in Atlanta. Find a new place to live. Find a new job. Get myself and all my stuff to the new place. Pack. Unpack. Sort. Rinse and repeat. Etc., Etc., ad nauseum ad infintum. Get everything taken care of, and wrap it all up in neat little bows. Figure it all out, make a plan, string up a safety-net, and then….what? Jump?

Jump? Are you crazy? What if I missed something? What if I didn’t tie the knots on the safety net tight enough? What if I fell through the cracks? What if I couldn’t find a job, what if, what if, what if…..

The truth is, there’s no way to plan for all the “what ifs”. There’s no way to predict the future. There’s no guarantee that you won’t miss some crucial detail. There’s always another reason not to jump. There’s always an excuse you can use to justify not taking a leap of faith. Logic can give you a million reasons why you shouldn’t follow your heart. And even if you quash those million reasons, it’ll give you another million reasons, and then another, and another. Eventually, you wake up one morning in your death bed, regretting listening to logic. As my good friend Ferris Bueller once told me: “Life moves pretty fast. You don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

There’s no “perfect time” to jump. You just do it, and trust that everything is gonna work out fine.

Because it does. It always does.

And so with that in mind, I’m moving to California next week.

(Told ya forward was good)

Love always,

Jay

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There’s a lot of nutrition information out there. On the internet alone, there’s at least 12 gazillion* websites dedicated to nutrition and healthy living. With so many sources of information, it can be hard to tell the good from the bad. To make matters worse, most of the information is contradictory, and a lot of it is just plain wrong.

But never fear. I have come up with a remarkably easy and sensible way for you to tell what you should (and should not) eat. By following my simple guidelines, you’ll be making great** decisions in no time.

It’s really very easy. The most important attribute for any food is it’s color. You can immediately tell if a food is edible or not, as well as if it is good for you or not, simply by noting the color and following the guidelines below:

GREEN: Green is the internationally recognized color of poison and sickness. It’s also the color of envy and jealousy, things that nobody needs. Avoid all green foods like the plague. If someone tries to get you to eat something green, they’re probably trying to kill you.

RED: Red is the color of love and passion, so you should eat as much red stuff as possible. We all need more love, and the best way to get that is through eating red foods. Red wine and red meat are particularly good sources of love and goodness. Try to have some of each with every meal. Your heart will be bursting with love soon enough.

WHITE: White is the color of purity and holiness, so to bring yourself closer to the Divine, eat as much white stuff as you can. Sugar, and all things made with excessive sugar, is your best bet for holiness. Angel food cake, anyone? Eat enough, and you’ll be an angel in no time.

BROWN: Dirt is brown, and things grow in dirt, so anything brown will help you grow big and strong. Eat lots and lots of chocolate.

PURPLE: Purple is a tricky one. On one hand, it’s the color of royalty, and so things like grapes and raisins are OK. On the other hand, purple is the color of bruises, and nobody wants more bruises, so things like beets and eggplants should be avoided. Especially beets. I mean, hello? It’s called a “beet”, and it’s purple like a bruise. How many clues do you need? Fortunately, there’s a simple way to keep yourself on the right path with purple foods. Royalty is good, but only in small doses. Just keep your doses of purple foods small, and you’ll be OK.

ORANGE/YELLOW: More tricky ones, but easily understandable once you know how to think about them. Orange and yellow are the colors of the sun, which is the source of all energy on the planet. The sun is good for you, and orange/yellow foods have the most sunlight in them (otherwise, why would they have absorbed so much of its color?) However, too much sun is harmful. Therefore, small amounts of orange and yellow foods are good, but too much is bad. Take it easy on the oranges, bananas, and certain peppers. Enjoy them, just don’t overdo it.

These are just a few examples. I’m sure you can use them to figure out your own rules for colors that I haven’t listed here. When in doubt, just refer to the three food groups of Jayism: Meat, Chocolate, and other. As long as you limit your intake of all things “other”, you’ll be right as rain.

Love Always,

Jay

*My best estimate.

**”Great” decisions is a matter of debate. Your results may vary, and I make no claim to the effectiveness of my program.

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“Oh what can it mean? To a…daydream believer and a homecoming queen?” ~The Monkees

I have always been blessed (cursed?) with an overactive imagination. I have lived most of my life in a fantasy world; always daydreaming about one thing or another. When I was a kid, I didn’t just have “an” imaginary friend…I had entire armies of imaginary friends! I’d pretend to have full-scale wars, and I’d be the only “real” person present. Even when I wasn’t doing full-scale battles, I’d often pretend to be the leader of a special forces team…and have five or six imaginary guys with me. I can remember playing an imaginary football game, complete with imaginary teammates and an imaginary opposing team, and at halftime I led an imaginary band through its routine.

I nourished my imagination by reading, telling stories, role-playing games, and lots and lots of make believe. You know Calvin and Hobbes? Yeah. I’m Calvin. Pleased to meet you.

I live a very magical life; I lead a very magical existence. I look at everything like it’s a miracle, and that we are blessed to have this playground called Earth to explore. Yes, there’s a lot of bad things in the world. There’s a lot of hate, negativity, and suffering. There’s a lot of fear, and it causes a lot of people to do hurtful things. But there’s also a lot of goodness in the world. There’s a lot of love, and it causes a lot of people to do good things. Every day, people do kind and loving things for each other. My imagination helps me see the good in others and connect with it.

I believe that everyone should work on developing their imagination. Having a good imagination will help you appreciate art. It will help you appreciate life. By having an active imagination, you can shift your perceptions and see a whole new world. Most importantly, having a good imagination will help make your dreams come true. Imagination provides a solid foundation to allow magic into your life. Even if you don’t believe in “The Secret” or “The Law of Attraction”,  you can still use your imagination to give yourself a map to where you want to go. Dream about the life you want to have, and then take practical steps to get there. Without the dream, you won’t know where you are going, and without the practical steps, you’ll never get there.

As we grow up, the “real” world has a way of taking control of our lives and shutting down our imaginations. Having a good imagination isn’t practical; it’s not mature. There’s no money to be made in imagination. Heh. Tell that to J.K. Rowling or Steven Spielberg! Fortunately, you can reclaim your imagination and unlock the magic of your soul. For only $19.95, you can purchase my e-book…nah, I’m kidding. Here it is, for free. Five tips to unlock your creativity and unleash your imagination:

1.) Start small. If you’re not used to using your imagination, it can be difficult to start. To overcome the initial difficulty, start by imagining small things. Sit quietly, and imagine holding a ball in your hand. Try to recall as many details about a real ball as you can, and imagine those details for your imaginary ball. Can you feel the weight of the ball in your hand? Can you feel its texture against your skin? If you were to open your eyes, what color would the ball be? What size is the ball? Is it a baseball? A tennis ball? Try to imagine throwing it into the air and catching it. Throw it across the room. Knock over mom’s favorite imaginary lamp. Get into imaginary trouble. Get sent to your imaginary room. Isn’t this fun?!?

2.) Take a walk down memory lane. It’s far easier to remember something from your past than to imagine something you’ve never experienced. Practice using your imagination to recreate pleasant memories for yourself. Imagine your favorite dessert. Imagine the way it tastes, the way it feels in your mouth. Imagine how it looks when it’s first presented to you. See the colors, smell the aromas. Imagine the way it looks as it’s going into your mouth, and imagine that first tasty mouthful. Taste it, feel it in your mouth. Mmmmmmm.

3.) Use it or lose it. Pursue opportunities to use your imagination. Read a lot of fiction. Not that non-fiction isn’t great, but for imagination, you need make-believe. Get lost in a great story. It doesn’t matter what kind of story…any story is good. Just by forming the pictures in your mind, you’ll exercise your imagination. For something a little different, check out some audio books. They’re like story-time…for adults. How cool is that?

4.) Practice makes perfect. Your imagination is just like a muscle. The best way to strengthen it is to use it. Spend some time every day living in a fantasy world. Even if it’s just five minutes, this will do wonders for your soul. Dream BIG. Imagine that your home is gonna be featured on MTV Cribs. Your car makes everyone in Fast and Furious jealous. When you go shopping, they close the mall for security. You wear the nicest clothes, you own the best furniture. You go to the best parties. You rock! And if that’s not your particular fantasy, then what is? Imagine that, whatever it is.

5.) So I lied. I actually started out with three tips, then it grew into four. I figured four isn’t a good place to stop, but five sounds good. Unfortunately, I don’t have a good fifth one. Use your imagination to dream up another good tip, and leave it in the comments for everyone else.

Wow! I’m kinda impressed with myself! This is almost, like, a real blog post or something! If I shortened some of that exposition up top, and deleted this last paragraph, I could make the first page of Digg! I could have a million or so pageviews!

Yeah, but that just wouldn’t be me.

Love always,

Jay

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You might want to take notes. There will be a quiz afterward called “life” and to pass the quiz, you’re gonna want to remember this post. This post is gonna save you a lot of time and headaches, and quite possibly a heartache or two, so listen up.

The cliffs notes version is this: Everything you could possibly do in this life can be rated on a single scale, the P.I.T.A. scale, which I will explain to you below. Whenever you are faced with a decision, always consider the P.I.T.A. rating for all options, and that will give you a good idea of the best course of action. It works in relationships, in career decisions, financial problems, and even in mundane areas such as where to go for dinner or what to watch on TV.

I should charge for this. I really should. It’s *that* good.

P.I.T.A. is an acronym which means:

Pain

In

The

Ass.

Everything you do can be rated according to how much trouble it is; how big a Pain In The Ass it is. The more trouble something is, the higher the P.I.T.A. value. The higher the P.I.T.A. value, the more stress it induces. In most cases, you want to keep your P.I.T.A. rating as low as possible, so you go with whatever option has the lowest one. You have to be careful, though, because there are some times when you really want to go for the higher value option, despite the fact that it causes more stress. The most notable exception (that I can think of right off the top of my head) is in the world of dating, but I’ll get to that in a second.

For most people, the most basic P.I.T.A. level, 1, is equivalent to getting out of bed in the morning. It’s annoying, you really don’t want to do it, but you do it so often that you’ve kinda become numb to it. In any case, it’s much easier than any other option such as getting fired (P.I.T.A. = 80 or so) or starving to death (P.I.T.A. = Um, infinite, I guess. Dying pretty much trumps everything else on the P.I.T.A. scale), so getting out of bed is the baseline.

The next level of the P.I.T.A. scale is the equivalent of getting to work on time. You have to get ready, get dressed, get in the car (or take public transportation) fight traffic, maybe get breakfast or drop the kids off at school…whatever. This is your basic, day-to-day P.I.T.A level for most activities. For most people, this rates about a three or four on the P.I.T.A. scale. If you have car problems, add a few points, grumpy/lazy kids, add a few points, not a morning person, add a few more points. Every little annoyance stacks on top of every other little annoyance, so a particularly bad morning may up the P.I.T.A. value of your morning commute to 10, 12, or even higher.

At P.I.T.A. level 10, you start to feel annoyed and stressed out. You’ve reached the realm of experience that I like to call “not having fun”. At this point, you begin to question your decision: Was it really worth it? Thoughts such as “I could’ve stayed home in bed” start to cross your mind. For women on particularly bad dates, I believe the phrase I have heard is “Did I really shave my legs for this?” Welcome to P.I.T.A. level 10, ladies.

While you’re at P.I.T.A. level 10, you’re not exactly happy, but the day/evening isn’t a total loss yet, either. You could still turn it around, given the right set of circumstances. However, if any more stress is added, then you’ve climbed into the “I am not amused, nor am I happy” category of the P.I.T.A. scale. At this level, you’re visibly irritated. You may snap at people, curse, or just sit there fuming quietly.

At P.I.T.A. level 15 to 20, you’re done. You’d rather be home, or anywhere except here.  Examples include a lousy day at work, an argument with your lover, or an accident that causes you injury. In plain English, you’re having a very. bad. day.

After P.I.T.A. level 20, you enter the danger zone. You’re in serious danger of losing your shit. This is the point when most people start to feel a little stabby, and eyes start twitching. This is when you start thinking that duct tape is an acceptable method of child restraint, and maybe selling the child to the gypsies isn’t such a bad idea after all. The stress is killing you, but you just might take out somebody else, too.

Everyone has their own internal P.I.T.A. scale. You might consider some things to be a huge P.I.T.A., which someone else might consider to be a relatively minor P.I.T.A. For example, because I use a wheelchair to get around, if the sidewalk suddenly ends, that’s a HUGE P.I.T.A. for me, because I have to turn around, backtrack, and find another way to go forward. However, for an able-bodied person, that’s a really minor thing. Just step off the curb, and you’re done. It probably wouldn’t even register on your P.I.T.A. scale. Conversely, when I stand up, I’m really tall, so I never have problems getting things off the top shelf. For short people, items on the top shelf might get an automatic 2-point adjustment on their P.I.T.A. scale.

Truth be told, I’m not telling you anything that you didn’t already know. However, you’ve probably never really thought about it before or articulated it, so it has been affecting you on a subconscious level. Now that you’ve thought about it consciously, it will forever change your life. Here’s how:

You’re gonna start keeping a running tally of your P.I.T.A. level throughout the day. This doesn’t have to be formal or a big deal, just monitor yourself as you go about your business. Take note of everything that affects you negatively, and add a couple of points for each thing. By keeping score, you can prevent yourself from going over the edge. You will lose your temper far less often, because you’ll start to feel it build up inside of you, and you can make a conscious effort to lower your P.I.T.A. rating before it gets too bad.

Wait. I can lower my P.I.T.A. score? Yes you can. Anything that reduces stress or makes you happy lowers your overall P.I.T.A. Taking deep breaths, meditating, eating some ice cream or other comfort food, or taking a quiet walk. Anything that calms you down and returns you to your happy place lowers your P.I.T.A. score.

Whenever you consider any action or activity, take it’s P.I.T.A. value into consideration. The more you practice looking at things in this way, the more natural it will become for you. You’ll find yourself refusing to do things that you know will have a high P.I.T.A. score, and that will cause you to lead a less-stressful life by default. You’ll be happier and more at peace with yourself.

OK, that’s really the end of the post, but at the beginning, I promised I’d write something about the exception of dating and romance, so this is it. This part is intended for men, but since I know the girls are gonna read it too, they can let you know if it’s accurate or not.

Guys, sometimes you want to choose the higher P.I.T.A. activity. I know, your idea of a perfect date is watching TV at home in your sweats and ordering pizza together, followed by making out. That’s a P.I.T.A. level one date, and if you had your way, all of your dates would be P.I.T.A. level one. Unfortunately, girls don’t think that way (if you haven’t figured that out by now). Most girls will be OK with that sometimes, but not every time. For girls, it’s not even a “date” until you hit at least P.I.T.A. level three. That means nice clothes, dinner, and a movie; maybe ice cream later. P.I.T.A. level three is your basic, everyday kind of date.

To impress a girl, you have to reach up into the higher P.I.T.A. values. Dinner at a nice restaurant, followed by going to a nice play or concert…something that she really enjoys, as opposed to something you really enjoy…women like that. And because women like that, they give you brownie points for giving it to them. The higher the P.I.T.A. value for you, the more brownie points you get. Just be careful that whatever you do is a P.I.T.A. for you, but not for her! If you cause her P.I.T.A. score to rise, you lose brownie points!

Not every date has to be a P.I.T.A. 5 or 6, but some of them should be. And for special occasions, such as *cough* Valentine’s Day *cough*, go for the P.I.T.A. 8 or 9 activity. If you pull it off, you’ll thank me later.

Love always,

Jay

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I’m running out of things to talk about on this blog.

I know this, because I’m doing a book review. I have a policy against book reviews. I don’t know why, I just do. After I started getting emails from publicists asking me to do reviews, I just decided not to do them. It seemed easier not to do any reviews at all than to only review the books that really inspired me, and then to have to figure out how to soften the blow of “I think your book sucks” to everyone else.

So why do one now? Because this book affected me. For better or worse, I haven’t decided yet. But definitely an effect. And like I already said, I’m running out of things to talk about

The book in question is I See Your Dream Job by Sue Frederick. I was in Borders the other day, and this book fell off the shelf right into my lap. OK, not really. The title just happened to catch my eye, and I bought it, even without reading so much as the back cover. I never do that. I figured it was a little nudge from the Universe, so I just went with it. I brought it home, and read it straight through. Well, I skimmed some parts. Lots of parts, actually, but that’s OK, because they didn’t really apply to me.

Sue (because I’m on a first-name basis with everybody) uses a combination of numerology and astrology to help her clients find their true career…their dream job. Ordinarily, I don’t pay any attention to such things, cause 99% of the time, it’s bullshit. But the way Sue explained it, I didn’t mind so much. Basically, she said that we choose to be born under a certain star sign and on a certain date. I can deal with that, because it doesn’t interfere with my free will. If I chose to be born a Leo on the Birth Path 5, then I can believe that. So, here is what the book said about the Leo/5:

“With your good looks and authentic charm, you could be the next Denzel Washington. Acting, extreme sports, mountain climbing, travel guiding, teaching, and life coaching will all appeal to you. Just don’t push those addiction limits past the point of no return. Find your spiritual center so you can enjoy exotic adventures and still have a family.”

Yes, I *am* the white Denzel Washington. Ladies, the line forms to the left…

All joking aside, at first glance, this list seems ridiculous (even without Denzel). Mountain climbing? Seriously? Extreme sports? And is it just me, or does anyone else have a hard time figuring out how “teaching” and “life coaching” fit on this list at all?

But, I can’t deny that I love adventure. I love travel. I love excitement. I love spur of the moment, pack a light bag, hop in the car, and go. I love learning new things, and meeting new people. I love exploring…both in the physical world and in the mental world of books and information. When I was a kid, Indiana Jones was my hero. I figured that would be just about the perfect life…searching for treasures, narrowly escaping danger, learning all about interesting people and cultures. At least partially, my spiritual path is an extension of that love of learning, that love of knowledge. I definitely have a strong spirit of adventure, I even enjoy the mini adventures I have almost every single day.

I don’t know what I will do with this piece of the puzzle. Before my disability, I wanted to do many things that were dangerous and crazy: Test pilot, astronaut, photographer for National Geographic, Ninja (man, did I ever want to be a ninja), Indiana Jones, Davey Crockett, Robin Hood, Knight of the Round Table…the list goes on and on. I could still do some of them, in a modified form, but I just don’t know how or what, exactly, just yet. I need more time to think about this, and figure out how it fits with who I am and where I want to go. Certainly, writing will be a part of it (travel writer, maybe?), but other than that…what? In scientific terms, I have new data to incorporate into the existing data. I need time to analyze the data, and figure out what it means on a personal level, then I can move forward more confidently.

So, to summarize, even if you don’t believe in numerology or astrology, I think you should read this book. You might be pleasantly surprised, and rediscover things about yourself that you have long since buried.

So who wants to go skydiving with me?

Love always,

Jay

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