This is the post that I never thought I’d be able to write.
I never thought I’d be here, that I could say these words honestly and truthfully, and mean them.
This all fell into place about three months ago, but I have resisted writing about it until now. Why? Well, because I wasn’t sure that it really happened. I wasn’t sure that it was real, that it was true. Maybe it was just an illusion, or wishful thinking. Maybe I was only fooling myself.
So, I didn’t share it. Instead, I savored it. I tested it out, sat with it for a while. I wrote about other things, but not this. This was something special, something sacred. Something just for me, nobody else. This was mine, and mine alone. Not even my very closest friends and family knew that this was going on.
Oh, some of you have noticed the effects. I’ve been happier lately. I’ve felt more at ease, at peace with the universe and all that is around me. I’ve felt more harmonious, settled…happy. And it’s all because of one teeny, tiny little change that I made within my heart and soul.
It’s time to share it with you, my precious readers, friends, family, confidantes. It’s time to share the secret to my happiness.
But not just yet. Wait for it 
One of the biggest, and long-standing precepts of Jayism is reincarnation, and specifically, the belief that we are sent to the physical world to learn lessons that help us evolve into a kinder, more loving species. I believe that each life we live is like a grade in school: There are lessons to be learned, tests to be passed, and knowledge to be gained. When we learn a certain amount and grow a certain amount, we graduate (die) and take a little vacation to rest up (in Heaven or whatever) until we’re ready for the next set of lessons (life) and choose to be born again.
I also believe that we choose the major experiences we want to have, and the people who will help us along the way. We choose the lessons we want to learn, or feel like we need to learn.
The last time I wrote about my disability, I talked about how much it sucked and how much I hated it. I talked about how difficult it was, and how it made me feel. Very negative post, that one. Negative, but therapeutic. Thank you all for the flood of compassion and understanding that flowed my way in the comments of that post. You opened a door for me, as you shall soon see.
Writing that post helped me get it out into the open. It voiced my sorrow, and my pain. However, it also made me question my beliefs, and my assumptions. Why would I choose to be disabled? Why would I choose to hurt myself like that? What good could possibly come out of it?
To be fair, these are questions that I have been asking myself for the past 24 years. But writing that post, as well as a few key conversations with dear friends since then, really opened my eyes and my heart. I had another such conversation the other night, a synchronicity which indicated to me that it was time to write this post.
I love being disabled. OK, maybe I don’t love it, but I have come to accept it. It still sucks, and I still wish I didn’t have to deal with it, but I am finally coming around to seeing the positive things that it has brought into my life.
Being disabled has taught me patience, and perseverance. It has taught me to be determined. It has taught me to slow down, and to pay attention to what I am doing and where I am going — to be present. Not just in my own life, but also whenever I am with anyone else.
Being disabled also taught me to look deeper, to look at the internal beauty of people, and to love and appreciate that, regardless of the exterior “wrapping”. It taught me to really see people…in an Avatar-esque “I See You” kinda way. To look for the heart of people, to see their spirit, their soul.
Being disabled taught me compassion, and to understand that we are all carrying heavy burdens, that we are all suffering in our own ways. It taught me to recognize my pain in others, and to be kind. To listen without judgment or prejudice. Again, to be present with those that I am with. It taught me empathy. Not only do I see you, but I feel you, too. I feel the love and light inside of you, just as I feel it within myself.
As you can see, my disability has helped turn me into the man I am today. It has helped me become a loving, gentle, patient, compassionate, and beautiful soul. Yes, I probably could have learned all of that without being disabled. Many able-bodied people have all of those traits. There are other paths to wisdom, but this is the one I chose to take when I incarnated.
Being disabled has been a wonderful teacher. And while I don’t love it, I do love that I made that choice, that I chose to walk (or roll, I guess…heh) this path. I love that I have helped myself learn so many lessons, but I also love that I get a chance to teach others compassion, patience, and kindness…simply by being in their lives.
I love being me, and being disabled is a part of that. A part I have finally learned to accept and embrace. That, my friends, is what has brought me so much happiness and peace.
Love always,
Jay
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Hey Jay,
Inspirational post! Acceptance is a word that’s been spinning in my mind a lot lately. It’s one of those things I love. And as I practice it more, I love it even more. I think it can be a powerful pathway to freedom and to growing in very healthy way.
Eduard
Wow, this was a powerful post Jay and I applaud you for writting it! Real, authentic and incredibly inspiring!
Maybe it is unappropriate to write this but you reminded me how blessed I am and how I take so many things in my life for granted and how much more I could be doing with my life instead of wasting my time the way I do sometimes. But then I realized that despite all of that I want to accept myself and love myself just the way I am.
Thank you for this! I think you are awesome!
Jay,
You most definitely shine your loving, gentle, and caring soul out into the world. Always. And so, know that you are touching lives in some very wonderful ways – because of who you are. I am a more openly caring person today because our paths have crossed. For that, I am deeply grateful.
As I read this – I just kept thinking to myself what this must be like – I can only imagine. And yet, in that – I’m drawn to this idea that you appreciate life in a deeper way, you see people differently – and connect much more deeply. I find that all to be filled, very much, with love and compassion. Jay, that is a gift, a gift that you give to the world…a gift that you give to me. It is an honor to know you, and to call you friend.
Namaste,
Lance
Hi Jay – Beautiful post! I love that you embrace yourself. What a wonderful place to be. I know your journey to this place of acceptance has been a long and circuitous one. Bravo!
Dearest and Sweetest Jay,
Youre not disabled….Youre more ABLEed than many of us will ever ever be. You have not only accepted Yourself but have accepted everything and everyone around you in a more positive, loving and peaceful light. That my dear is a quality not many Externally Abled people have.
Youre one lucky guy…acceptance and happiness all in one solid go….Awesome!
You so deserve your lifetime of happiness….Youre FInally YOU! And yes i still remember every post you wrote…
By the way not many have the innate ability to write so beautifully either. We all try, but only some a born with it (YOU)..
This my dear is truly YEAR! Go write your book and publish it…Your Jayism will be a HIT!! the kind of HIT that touches hearts and lives…
WOW! I ma still taking the happiness i can feel in this post…
Much Love always,
Z~
You are truly a blessed man. To be able to accept all of yourself is such an enlightened way to live. I always knew that you were a warrior. Only a true warrior could handle a disability such as yours. Only a true warrior can fully accept their life as it is. I’m with Lana. I think you’re awesome and I have been inspired by you in more ways than you could possibly know. I’m so thankful to have a friend like you. We all need a good warrior on our side.
Wow! I didn’t actually know you were disabled Jay. Thanks for sharing so honestly and in such an inspiring way. There is much gold in here … you really do come across as compassion, patience, and kindness embodied (inside an awesome twitter dj!).
I believe in reincarnation. I also can’t imagine how it has been coming to terms with this and fitting this experience into that framework … sometimes things just don’t make sense, but the lessons you have learnt and are living are truly awe inspiring.
Thanks for being you.
Jen xox
Hi Jay,
I missed the original post on your disability, and only read it now. I can only imagine how challenging it has been for you to get to this place, but I think your acceptance is HUGE! I believe alot of our suffering in life comes from our resistance or struggle with what is, be it major or minor. When we accept whatever is in front of us, then we empower ourselves to live our best lives regardless.
I have often struggled to accept situations that are a trifle in comparison, and reading your story is truly awe-inspiring and encouraging.
What an inspiring post, Jay! I LOVE your positive attitude here. It’s amazing and so motivating for me. Thank you for writing this. You’re truly a gifted writer and I always enjoy reading your posts.
Aww, Jay… I love “how you roll” because it makes you YOU. Maybe I’m kind of weird in this sense but I have this ongoing battle with my body. Not so much in that “I’ve gotta lose ten pounds so I look good in a bikini” kind of way, but more like… “YOU, body, are holding me back. In the Mind, Body, Spirit equation, YOU are the weakest link. You’re frail, you are a distraction, you require so much maintenance, you have such petty, insatiable demands.”
Sometimes I feel like a hermit crab that has outgrown its shell. Have you ever seen that? They wiggle their vulnerable selves out of their inadequate shell and into a better one. (If you replace the second “home” with a Coke can, they wiggle into that, and it’s pretty funny… but that’s another story.)
Other times I think the world has gone crazy, since everyone worships the young, sexy, fit body so much they’ve decided teeth should stay white forever, and skin should never wrinkle, and nothing should ever sag… it’s like trying to hold back the freaking tide! Why don’t they let it go? Why don’t they see that we are NOT our bodies?
You know who I think is sexy? Stephen Hawking. Body? What body? But oh-so-fascinating nonetheless. You know who else? This guy Jay I know. Wheelchair? What wheelchair? It’s just a smart way to haul around his HUGE heart.
Many of us have SEEN you for a long time. It’s so refreshing to know that you SEE yourself now too. Speaking of AVATAR… Jake? Way sexier in a wheelchair than in an alien body. And don’t even get me started on Lieutenant Dan.
All- OK, so, I’m really blown away by all these comments, so much so that I can’t even formulate a coherent response, except to say thank you. Thank you all so much for your kind words. You all deserve individual replies, and hopefully I’ll be able to do that soon. But for now, just know that I have read all of these comments several times, and they have all touched me deeply. Thank you. I have the best friends in the world!
Hi Jay,
I am so happy that you have accepted your reality and see the beauty in it! You should be very proud of yourself because many people whose bodies are not dis-abled are disabled because they cannot see any reason or beauty with what they have. So you are more able than many! And don’t you ever forget it, dude!
When we accept our pasts and make peace with them, we close a book and begin a whole new book. So here’s to your new adventure. I am sure it will be wonderful!
So beautifully written ~ I am very happy that you have come to this destination in your journey. You will continue to grow to be so much more than you are now. Blessings to you!
When I come in late to your posts – I’m always blown away by the comments before me. Your readers are so gorgeous!
I have to admit, Jay, that I have noticed this in you, especially the past two or three months. You seem lighter somehow, and this post explains what’s been going on with you.
Regarding sharing what you’ve discovered – I hear you there. I read this short story once about a man remembering being 6 years old. He woke up one morning and looked out his window to see this amazing bird. It was extravagant, brightly colored, and immense in size. It was almost as big as the house. It was peering into the distance, almost as if it was looking for someone or something. He wanted to run through the house to tell his sisters, brothers, Mom and Dad to come look at the beautiful bird. But, he was afraid that with all his rustling and moving around, it would startle and fly away.
So he decided to just watch it for awhile and savor the experience.
After a few minutes, it took flight.
He never regretted keeping the bird for himself.
That’s how I see personal discovery. Some realizations are great to share right away. Some we need to sit with for awhile, ponder, and savor the moments – until we’re ready to write about them.
It looks like your bird has taken flight, Jay.
And he is so, so, so beautiful.
Welcome home.
Love Always,
Lori
Lori´s last blog ..How to Not Blow Up Your Blog In Disgust After Six Months
(((Jay))) Lovin who you are.
Trish Scott´s last blog ..I’m Having a Moment…
Good Thursday morning to you, Jay.
You have found the secret to power here. In being able to transform an obstacle into something that works for you. Blessings my friend. From here on out, you have the keys to freedom.
Aurora´s last blog ..Tap Dancing
I am happy for you rujholli, and so, so glad you made it there.
Love you man!
Powerful!
I guess I hadn’t discovered the awesome that is you until after that other post because I had no idea about your disability. It is – wow.
And definitely a rough road toward coming to an understanding.
I am so happy that you have found your centeredness on this…sometimes it takes a lifetime to get to this point. (Or never!)
{hug}
Jay, I am awestruck, this is beautiful! And you WROTE it beautifully too, I could feel the shift in you. And it’s interesting how that prior post helped lead you here, I have often experienced this – I think we often have to go through that catharsis, face and express the negativity, in order to go through it to a new understanding…such an important point really, because we are so often told to ‘focus on the positive’ which can just cause us to repress instead of going through this process I think (although I have nothing against positive thinking at times too.)
This reminded me of a moving story I once heard a woman tell, actually at a Gangaji event, about working with AIDS orphans in Africa. She was working with very young children, babies even, born with AIDS, and destined (at that time, anyway) to die within just a few years. It was devastating her, and she had seen a lot of this kind of devastation before. She didn’t think she could deal with it much longer. And then one day she had this sudden vision that many of these children had chosen this incarnation to teach others love, to teach them how to open their hearts to a larger love. That’s NOT meant to be an excuse to accept suffering in the world and not do anything about it, it just adds another dimension to it for me.
So I think there is another dimension to this too for you – your disability has taught you a lot, but it is also teaching all of us that you come into contact with too…
Lisa (mommymystic)´s last blog ..Meditation: How Often and How Long?
Jay,
I was originally struck by your candor in your first post. In this community, we all have positive Spirit, yet most have received their biggest lessons in less than ideal packaging. You took something like that and told us it sucked and why. You didn’t put a spin, you just flat out said I hate it and here is why, and I appreciate that. You needed to let that out; you released a weight you’ve carried for years in order to grow past it.
What you wrote here is reflective of your heart. You offer such a gift by sharing as you do. I always wonder what I will learn when you post. What you captured here is golden. May we all grow from reading this. You are beautiful. Love and Light Jay…
( * bow * )
( * bow * )
( * bow * )
Jay, who you are in my eyes, having never met you face-to-face yet feeling your energy as I do, is someone who is courageous, conscious, alive, beautiful, loving, compassionate, funny, wise, gentle, noble, true and authentic.
Your energy is as big as the sun, and you bring strength and light to everyone who crosses your path.
You bring me to life through your words, and you expose the pretty parts of me that I don’t always see when you’re not around.
You are eternally needed in this world, and a blessing to all who know you.
God, himself, sculpted the most perfect of humans when, with your permission, he co-created you. (smile)
Acceptance, indeed, of all that is valuable, wonderful and divinely perfect.
With great love, shine on, my friend!
Megan “JoyGirl!” Bord´s last blog ..Authenticity = New Definitions
+1 on the awestruck.
I’m not yet certain how I feel about the concept of “acceptance.” But I do appreciate the power you’ve harnessed in finding the ability in your disability. In my mind, you’ve demonstrated true nobility that’s downright inspiring.
Thank you.
Hi Jay,
Words escape me. What you’ve written is so beautiful and heart warming, I’m left speechless.
What you’ve discovered is what many search for but never find in an entire lifetime. How blessed you are to have made this discovery and how blessed we are, as your audience, to travel with you on your journey and receive the life lessons you share.
For all you do, for all you share, I say “thank you”.
Barbara Swafford´s last blog ..Blogs – Free vs Paid – Is One Better?
Congratulations on taking that very difficult step. It does make life easier and make it easier to be happy. After these latest victories, I’m wondering, where will Jay go from here? Surely somewhere good.
Dot´s last blog ..Comment on On Becoming a Mother Too Young by Momisodes
Jay, this is a beautiful post! Thank you for letting me visit here today. It feels like confirmation for me on some areas of my life. I think through some tough circumstances, I learned a lot but now I think I’m being called to play again and focus on the team. It’s hard sometimes going from survival mode to community. The skills are developing over here also in this way. You’re definitely not alone and sending much luv and blessings on your journey! I can feel your heart here and it is beautiful and peaceful. I’m happy for you! xx~Jenn
Jenn´s last blog ..Wings for Women: Homefront Heroes /resources
I can relate in a way (on a smaller scale). At the risk of sounding cliche, I try to turn my lemons into lemon-aid. I try to make the best and the most of what I can’t do or what’s been taken away from me. If I didn’t do that, I don’t know how I would get though the day. Thank you for sharing your experience with us!
Carla´s last blog ..Drowning
Hi Jay:
Wow…I’ve been reading you for awhile and I think I could sense the turnaround in your writing. Lately, you’ve absolutely been blazing when it comes to your writing and your posts. Quite simply between those recent posts (and this one), I’ve been blown away.
In any case, I am happy to hear about this major shift in your perspective. Truth be told, there are some things on a much smaller scale that I need to deal with in my life and reading about your shift is inspiring. Thanks for sharing your story with us.
Tim´s last blog ..Weekend Video Diversion: No Pants With Improv Everywhere
Beautiful. God bless
Jay,
This totally resonates for me. I get it. I really do. I was diagnosed with MS about 5 months ago, but I have been sick with it for much longer than that. This year, my walking became quite difficult and my speech has changed as well. And you know what…it’s all really good. I have been physically forced to slow down and take stock of my life even more than I had in the past. And Gratitude has grown immeasurably. I feel bigger, more expansive as a spiritual being in this slightly cracked vessel of a body. So I hear you. Good for you. This is a huge realization…knowing that it’s really perfectly perfect to love our imperfect situations…acceptance, ahhhhh…pretty darn Divine.
Laura Hegfield´s last blog ..Drive By Beauty
Beautifully written, beautifully expressed. Reading it made my heart warm. Thanks for being on the planet, Jay. As you learn your lessons, you teach us ours.
cheryl from thatgirlisfunny´s last blog ..Female UFC Fight Fans Are Hot! Actually, You Do Want to Date These Girls
Jay,
If my daughter were born without physical challenges our family wouldn’t be the same. We have all been blessed by her strength, perseverance and mountain movin’ attitude. You probably have no idea how many people you’ve inspired just by being you.
The word can’t wasn’t spoken in our house by any of us. If she didn’t believe in such a thing how could we?
Kristy is a twin (Didn’t know there were twins until the last minute in labor) and when she was young and struggling because of bullies (idiots) she would feel sorry for herself and say “oh you didn’t want me anyway, I was the mistake.” . I always corrected her and replied, “You weren’t the mistake you were the surprise!”
As a runner I’m always inspired when I see people who are blind, without limbs and in wheelchairs in the race. It’s people like you who refuse to give up and find your place in a society that worships perfection that give people like me the courage to go on.
I love what Lori wrote…I second the “welcome home!”
Tess Bold Life´s last blog ..The Time Of My Life
I can’t stop smiling…seriously! You are such an inspiration…a gift. This was such a beautiful and honest post. I am grateful to know you and have you “rolling” in my life. You really make me stop and think…and that is a blessing. You seriously rock!
Caroline´s last blog ..I got nothin’
You are so beautiful. Jay, what’s inside you shines so incredibly bright… Now it’s going to shine even brighter! I’m so glad for you. What everyone else said… Yes.
Julie´s last blog ..Letting Go!