“Yes, I am a pirate — 200 years too late. The cannons don’t thunder, there’s nothing to plunder…“~Jimmy Buffet
I felt your presence the other day. It was the first time that I had really felt you since you passed away about 10 years ago. I was sitting on the beach, watching the waves roll in, enjoying a peaceful moment of zen when I suddenly felt you beside me. Tears welled up in my eyes, and I had to take some quick deep breaths to keep myself from sobbing out loud.
I’ve missed you so much, Gan-Gan. I miss your wisdom, your humor, and your wit. Most of all, I’ve missed the way you always allowed me to just be myself, without any preconceived notions, expectations, or judgments. I miss the way you always supported me, the way you just understood me, even when no one else did. I miss the secrets we shared and the talks we had.
I remember the time we went to the beach, just you and I. I remember how free you were; how happy. I remember that I had never seen you that way, and that it thrilled me. You were more alive in that one afternoon than you were in the whole rest of the time I knew you. You talked about my grandfather, and you talked about life before my dad was born. You talked about your work, and love, and life. You allowed me to get to know you, the real you, and that is the most precious gift you ever gave me.
After you died, I took your paintings and your books, because those were the things that we loved together. Your essence was in those things, and I wanted to keep as much of that with me as I could. Of course, your essence is also in the ocean where we spread your ashes. And now I have come to the ocean to live, partly because I wanted to be close to you again. I am so thankful that you came to sit with me so that we could watch the waves again.
You would understand, wouldn’t you, Gan-Gan? You would understand why I had to chase my dreams here to California. Even though no one else in my family understands, you would, wouldn’t you? You understood love, even if it had been elusive for you for your whole life.
There’s not enough love in the world today, Gan-Gan. There’s too much fear and negativity, and too many people let their fears control them. People are slaves to the darkness and they don’t even realize it. Good people are ensnared by fear and hatred every day. Those of us who have the courage to follow our dreams, to listen to the call of our hearts, are few and far between.
People care more about security and taking care of themselves than they care about taking care of others or making the world a better place. Nobody takes the time to get to know one another anymore. Instead, they ask a few questions, make a few assumptions, and slap labels on each other. God forbid should you think for yourself, or have contradictions. God forbid should you be an individual anymore. And whatever you do, don’t be a man who is deep. Don’t be a man who follows his heart. Don’t be a man who is different in any way whatsoever.
(sigh)
I’m not a pirate, Gan-Gan, but I love the romanticized versions of pirates that are popular these days. I love the freedom, the courage, the individuality and expressiveness of fake pirates. Like Jimmy Buffet, I’m an anachronism; a soul lost in time if not in space. I belong to an older time, a time when people took the time to get to know one another and treasured their friends for who they were, not for what they believed or what they did in life.
I turn 40 in 3 short years, Gan-Gan. Can you believe it? Your #4 grandson is an adult. Or at least he should be, according to the world around him. I suppose to the outside world he does appear as an adult…mostly. But inside, he’s still a little boy trying to make sense of a world that has no place and no time for people like him. And he misses you so very, very much.
Love Always,
Jay