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“Gonna be 18 ’til I die. It sure feels good to be alive. Someday I’ll be 18…goin’ on 55! 18 ’til I die!” ~Bryan Adams
The past couple of weeks have been awesome. There have been good days and bad days, but the good days are slowly becoming more plentiful, while the bad days are fading in both severity and frequency. Since My (Fleeting) Moment of Zen, I’ve been able to get my life back on track and back under control. I’ve given myself a number of attitude adjustments, and that always helps.
I recently finished reading Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff…and it’s All Small Stuff, and that really helped me see things more clearly. Perfect validation for most, if not all, of my philosophies on life. You can’t control what other people do to you, or what they say to you. However, you can control how you let it affect you. Sometimes*, you just have to realize that no one is responsible for your unhappiness except you. No one can hurt you without your permission, and sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can’t hurt you…unless you let them. Sometimes, you just have to let things people say to you roll off like milk oil acid water off a duck’s back 
(slightly obscure Far Side reference there).
Sometimes all it takes is for you to accept responsibility for the mess you made out of your life, clean it up as best as you can, and then move forward. That’s what I’ve been doing these past few weeks, and it has paid happiness dividends in spades.
Work has calmed down a lot, and I’m actually enjoying it for the first time in a long, long time. It’s still a far cry from my dream job, but at least I don’t hate it anymore. After having a few heart-to-heart talks with my supervisor, I think we’ve finally reached a good working relationship. I’ve stopped resisting her, and have really put myself out to help her whenever I can. I know. I should have been doing that all along. But, as the title of this post suggests, I have a real problem with maturity. And authority. Especially authority.
Over at Happy Lotus, Nadia pointed out that sometimes loving your job is a matter of perspective. I love the things my job provides for me. I love that I’m debt-free. I love that I live in a “luxury” apartment. I love that I don’t have any problems paying my bills every month, or putting food on the table. I love that I can afford to blow some of my paycheck every week on fun stuff, and not have to worry about it. I love that I can provide for myself, my daughter, and my ex-wife without struggling. I also love that I can put a little money aside in savings every month, and watch it grow.
In other news, my recently broken heart has continued healing nicely, and I’ve started to enjoy being single again. Thanks in large part to a wonderful reiki/reiju session from my good friend Pamir, I’m (finally!) moving beyond the pain and into healing. I’m still not 100% yet, but I feel better day by day.
I’ve come to the realization that part of the reason that I suck so bad at relationships is because I’m happy being single! I love that I can flirt again without feeling guilty. I love that I can look at other women. I love that I can enjoy bikini season guilt-free.
What was that? Was that the sound of all of my female readers unsubscribing? I hope not! Come back….please? I love you all! 
It’s just that I have freedom to be myself again. I still get lonely some days, and I still wish I could find a life-partner, but I have my freedom now, and so I’m enjoying it. I’m connecting with myself, and I’m doing the things that I enjoy doing. I’m starting to feel like the person that I used to be again, and I love it. I’m spending time with myself, learning about myself, and (most importantly) I’m learning to love myself. I’m slowly remembering all the things that I truly dig about myself! I have so many great qualities! Of course, there’s still some things that I don’t understand about myself, and other things that I don’t particularly like, much less love, about myself, but I’m working on it. I’ll get there.
I’ve continued swimming, continued exercising, and continued eating right most of the time. In short, I’m taking care of myself. It’s all part of loving myself.
And last, but certainly not least, my social circle and support system have grown significantly over the past few months, and I love all the connections I have made! Many of these have been online, but a few have been offline, too. Either way, it’s nice to have so many loving, caring, and supportive people in my life these days! I’ve reconnected with some long lost friends, and made a lot of new ones. Friends both old and new make everything better!
Love always,
Jay
PS – If you’ve never heard Bryan Adams’ 18 Til I Die…you really should! It’s the ultimate “growing old is optional” theme song. I hereby adopt it as my newest philosophy!
*Of course, I’m excluding intentional evil such as abuse, rape, murder, incest, violence, and hatred. If any of these things have happened to you, then know that you are definitely NOT responsible for your own unhappiness.
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Jay,
You sound much happier now and it couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.
Divorce is stressful, but time eases the pain. It’s fun to be single again with the possibility of infinite relationships. Don’t be in any hurry.
Wow – congratulations on getting your life back! I know it can take some work, but it’s sure worth the effort.
Whenever I need a life adjustment, I image the kind of situation (relationship, experience) I’d like and work towards that…which usually means changing how I approach it. As you say, we can’t control what others do/say to us so it’s our responsibility to change how we act and say to them.
I’d prefer to be 32 Till I Die…or maybe whatever age I am and counting…
You sure have made blog friends quickly!
“Work has calmed down a lot, and I’m actually enjoying it for the first time in a long, long time. It’s still a far cry from my dream job, but at least I don’t hate it anymore. After having a few heart-to-heart talks with my supervisor, I think we’ve finally reached a good working relationship.” As I said before, you’re growing by leaps and bounds. It’s really nice to watch.
Dot’s last blog post..April Showers and May Flowers
Hi Jay,
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff is the book that triggered my long campaign of self-development. It is so simple and concise, and it really opened my eyes to the personal power everyone has over their happiness. Everyone should read that book. It takes very little time to read and the rewards are incalculable.
We are the only ones responsible for our happiness, completely and utterly. I wouldn’t even add the ’sometimes’ caveat. Of course we cannot be responsible for what others do to us, but we must be responsible for how we respond, because nobody else will be. I would hope that nobody thinks their unhappiness is ever guaranteed by what somebody else did to them, or even what they’ve done to themselves.
Good to hear things are looking up! What a great feeling, to genuinely expect life to get real good real fast.
I’m gonna have Bryan Adams in my head all day now.
David Cain’s last blog post..A Definition of Freedom
Almost unscribed after reading that bikini comment…haha, just kidding! This is a great post and I know what you mean about being single. Sometimes I bitch about it, but, really, I do enjoy it. I can do what I want, see who I want, be who I want. I don’t really know why anyone WOULDN’T want to be single! (Okay, I can think of a few reasons, but let’s just focus on how great single-dom is!)
Positively Present’s last blog post..when life gives you lemons…
@Roger – Thanks! But just as a point of clarification, this wasn’t a marriage that ended recently, just a long-term relationship! Still hurt pretty bad, though…
@Laurie – I’m doing that (working towards what I want) ever so slowly. The first step ws figuring out what exactly it was that I wanted, and now that I’ve done that, I’ve started moving towards it.
@Dot – I’m glad you’re enjoying the show! I work hard at growing, so it happens quickly. I don’t know, though. Sometimes it seems like 2 steps forward and three back, or three forward and two back, or however that saying goes. What I mean is that while I make a lot of progress, sometimes I get too far ahead of myself and have to step back and take another path.
@David – Ordinarily, I would agree with you about the “sometimes” caveat…that it doesn’t need to be there. But then I started thinking about all the truly evil stuff that people do to each other, and I would hate for someone who had recently been a victim of something like that to read that “we are responsible for our unhappiness”, take it the wrong way, and become even more hurt. So that’s why I left that part in.
@Dani – LOL. it is great (at times) just to be able to focus on yourself, and your own wants/needs/desires, isn’t it? I’m glad the bikini comment didn’t scare you away!
Jay,
That is awesome. You have SO much to be thankful for and it is great to see you find your way to that!
Personally, I struggle with this idea:
“No one can hurt you without your permission, and sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can’t hurt you…unless you let them. Sometimes, you just have to let things people say to you roll off like milk oil acid water off a duck’s back”
Not, that I don’t believe it. I’ve heard it many times and I am envious that you have found it’s truth.
For me, what if those words come from the person you love? Ouch…I have to admit I don’t let those roll off my back. I am struggling big time with that one.
It is so cool you are “finding yourself” again, what makes you tick and allowing yourself to settle into that. I’m right behind you, man. And that’s in two ways: cheering you on and, watching your backside trot off into the sunset (remember I said I am “behind you”) as I am starting to learn lessons you’ve already learned.
Our spiritual paths are slightly different, but I sense our souls are very similar.
Take care!
-Chris
Chris’s last blog post..The Forgotten
@Chris – I think a LOT of people struggle with it when it comes from people you love. I don’t let those roll off my back easily, either. For me, it’s almost like there are two kinds of people in my world: there are those that I “let in” and those that I “keep out”. When the harsh words comes from someone who I have “let in”, it stings, and hurts my feelings. Those are the people who can make me cry. The rest of the world…not so much.
For me, the trick has been being very careful with who I “let in”. I know that’s probably not the most loving response, or the most enlightened response, but I’m just too damn fragile underneath my shields to let just anybody and everybody in.
However, with those people, I have come to the realization that I let them in…I chose to give them that power over me when I agreed to love them. So in a way, I still chose to “let” them hurt me, because if I had never let them in, they wouldn’t have the power to hurt me.
I think that’s why the saying exists: “We always hurt the ones we love.” However, I think the true saying should be more like: “We always get hurt by the ones we love.”
Does that make sense? Does anybody else have any other ideas on this one?
Hi Jay!
You seem to have an awesome life, my friend!
So many people would love to have the kind of job that gives them so much of things that your job gives you. What a blessing!
Thank you for mentioning my blog and I am with you…forever young, baby!
Nadia – Happy Lotus’s last blog post..Think Big!
Jay – so wonderful to hear all of this! I appreciate what you said regarding Nadia’s post, and about appreciating your job being a matter of perspective. I think that is so true. There have been times when I didn’t like the work I was doing so much at the time, but it provided other freedoms in my life, and I think that is OK personally. As for your realization regarding relationships, I always felt I was better off single too. I just require ALOT of solitude. The periods I had of not being in relationships were very essential to me I think. Obviously things have changed, as I’ve now been married for seven years with three kids, but that was a natural evolution, and I don’t think I would be able to handle this if I hadn’t had so much solitude when I needed it. Life (and growth) goes in phases, I think. Namaste- Lisa
Lisa (mommymystic)’s last blog post..Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief – Book Review
@Nadia – That is very true…I know a LOT of people who would kill to have my job. I am very lucky, even if I believe that there is something even more awesome out there…
@Lisa – Thanks!
I require a lot of solitude, too. Even when I was married, I still needed to take time to be alone quite often. I think that’s the true measure of an introvert…needing that time to recharge and renew. I love having a relationship when I have one, but I’m learning to love my time alone, too. I think, ideally, there should be a balance. Not just in this, but in everything. I’m working towards that…
Jay! I do enjoy journal type posts that are honest & from which everyone can learn. Heartache is a tough one. It’s almost a form a grief, and grief takes its own good time.
Reiki restores the heart. You played a big part in that by being receptive & allowed it. So glad to help & it’s ongoing, both Reiki & the wholing of your heart.
Pamir | Reiki Help Blog’s last blog post..Healing Resources: Book Review
I still feel 18! This post just put a big huge smile on my face. Life is good (even when plug-ins make your blog go crazy and the world seems like it might end…lol). But seriously, you seem to be in a really good place. Stay there!
Caroline’s last blog post..My soul in photos…take “2″
@Pamir – I’m glad you enjoyed the post, and thank you again!
@Caroline – lol…stupid plug-ins! I’m just so happy we were able to figure that out! Part of me was scared I had broken your blog! I’m glad that I was able to fix it again
But anyway, yeah, I am in a pretty good place right now, and I intend to stay here as long as possible! Life ebbs and flows, o I’m enjoying the happy while it lasts!
sounds like spring.
Danielle LaPorte’s last blog post..notes to my 20 year old self
@Danielle – *feels* like Spring, too
Jay! What a lovely post. You do sound so happy and I’m happy for you!
It’s so true that you can not control others, how they act, what they say or how they react to you. It’s so empowering when you take control of your own happiness by choosing what you allow to influence and affect you. Great to read such a positive post! Thanks Jay
Sherri (Serene Journey)’s last blog post..Can You Really Live Each Day Like It’s Your Last?
I’ve had unsubscribers – females! But life has gone on and I’m happier than ever.
A bit tired right now. But happy in general.
And I really think your blog is very pleasing in design.
Jannie Funster’s last blog post..Ordering The Funsterment
I love how honest and real you are. When we tell on ourselves not only can others relate, you also give them permission to take off their masks. Well done!
Tess The Bold Life’s last blog post..Mackenzie Bold and Beautiful
@Jannie – Haha, you know what/ I don’t even know what my subscriber count is! I do know that most of my readers are female, which is why I made the joke about everyone unsubscribing because of the bikini comment, but I honestly wouldn’t know if they did. I just assume that people who really like my stuff will subscribe, and that probably more people subscribe and unsubscribe every day.
@Tess – Thank you! Being honest with myself is something that I’ve been working on in my personal life, and part of that means sharing more and more personal things on this blog. I’m glad that people can relate to that!
Re: 2 steps forward/3 back — Sometimes we change intellectually but the emotional part disagrees.
Dot’s last blog post..You Want What?!?
“for the mess you made out of your life”
I take exception to that – you did not “make a mess” you made choices that lead to who you are and where you are in your evolution. So called mistakes are gifts we give ourselves- teaching us new ways, self forgiveness and challenging us to greatness!
Dawn’s last blog post..Half Assedness Rocks
Jay, this was an extremely enjoyable post.
“You can’t control what other people do to you, or what they say to you. However, you can control how you let it affect you. Sometimes*, you just have to realize that no one is responsible for your unhappiness except you. No one can hurt you without your permission, and sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can’t hurt you…unless you let them. Sometimes, you just have to let things people say to you roll off like milk oil acid water off a duck’s back.”
I couldn’t agree more. My life got a lot better when I accepted this fact.
I haven’t read those books but I have thought about getting them often. Based upon this I think I will. Thanks for sharing this!
Stephen – Rat Race Trap’s last blog post..Your Brain on Food and Supplements – Acetylcholine
@Dawn – That’s a wonderful point of view…that our mistakes are really gifts that we give to ourselves. Sometimes, though, I just wish I didn’t give myself so many gifts!
@Stephen – I’m glad you enjoyed it! “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” really is a great little book. For me, it served as validation, because I was already doing most of the things in the book anyway, but still…it’s nice to have that validation from time to time.
Jay – After seeing your praises being sung many a time, I decided I had been remiss in not visiting your blog sooner. And boy was I ever rewarded for it – the very first post I read struck a chord in me, how lucky was that?
“I’ve come to the realization that part of the reason that I suck so bad at relationships is because I’m happy being single! I love that I can flirt again without feeling guilty. I love that I can look at other women. I love that I can enjoy bikini season guilt-free.”
This is exactly why I have trouble in my relationships, and I truly hadn’t thought about it in this way until today. I recently almost made the biggest mistake of my life because of this, and I thank my lucky stars I didn’t… but I still struggle with it, every day.
Thank you so much for sharing yourself with us, and I hope that I can someday I can follow in your footsteps along the path to serenity.
@Sarah – Welcome! I’m glad you found me! More importantly, I’m glad you’ve found something you can use here. I’m just stumbling along, learning about myself, and trying to become a better person day by day. Feel free to “follow in my footsteps”, but I’m more interested in letting you take the lead so maybe I can follow in yours! Thanks again for stopping by. I really appreciate it. PS-Who was singing my praises?!?!
Well Jay, now that you’re happily single (more or less) then maybe the female, bikini wearing subscribers will increase! Maybe even the male, bikini wearing subscribers too?
It’s so great to read you so optimistic and upbeat, my friend. Sounds as though things are coming together for you.
BTW for anyone who has been the victim of, what you describe as, intentional evil … I believe it is still possible for them to be happy! I don’t think you intended to imply the opposite.
Ian | Quantum Learning’s last blog post..The beauty of differences
@Ian – I shudder to think about any bikini-clad men…subscribers or no!
And yes, I never meant to imply that people who have had horrible things done to them couldn’t be happy. I just don’t want them to feel like it’s their fault if they aren’t happy. Does that make any sense?